My two cents...

I've seen something rumbling just below the surface, and I want to talk about it. You're here, so obviously you care what I have to say. I don't promise that my two cents are worth two cents, but I do promise that they are my two cents, not borrowed ones. Stick with me folks, it'll all tie together eventually (maybe).

Here is my take on our current economic mess. I have been saying for months now that I am fed up with people not taking responsibility for their part in this mess. I really wanted one of the candidates fore presidency to stand up there and say that the mess we are in is our own fault. But no, they want to blame Wall Street and banks and lending institutions and mortgage companies. I want someone to stand up and say it is our own greedy fault. We, who took out too much debt, who bought stuff on credit cards, who bought a house too big for our own use, who had to not only keep up with the Jones' but surpass them...it is our fault. I have seen an underground movement starting over the past year or so, and I think it is finally coming to the surface. I've seen family after family, mom after mom, blogger after blogger talking about a desire to return to a simpler life. Families have grown tired of the excess spending, and are starting to save more. People are more interested in "going green" and "reduce, reuse, recycle" now. Moms want their kids to be responsible with their things and money, and not just buy all willy-nilly. I hear the talking heads on "news" shows talk about the consumer fear that is driving our economy ever lower, and I don't think it is fear that is doing this at all. I think it is that we have finally come to our senses and realized how out of control we had allowed ourselves to get. We want to buy with money we actually have. We want to pay off our debts. We want to have a quieter life. And the media hasn't caught on to that yet. The tv shows haven't realized that yet. Hollywood doesn't see it yet, but they all will.

We haven't seen the end of this economic fall yet. Oh no, we still have the credit card debt to hit. And once that does, we will see a bleaker newscast than any we've seen in our lifetimes. However, we will see some wisdom finally coming back into our homes. I think this will be a good thing, nay, a great thing for our nation. A return to the values that are true and lasting. A return to family gatherings, and memory making, and healthy consumption. I'm not afraid of being broke. (She says, oh so naively....yeah, I know, what do I truly know about being broke?) Who needs stuff anyway? So I might have to say goodbye to television and internet access and lattes and crazy Christmases. Oh well. Bon voyage. I'm hoping I'll be saying goodbye to that and saying hello to game nights and homemade bread and canned jelly and sitting by the tree telling stories and gathering close to my loved ones. Here's hoping we all have a simple, lovely holiday this year...with many more to come. Think back over your favorite holiday memories...how many of them involve a gift you got, or a thing you bought? Most of mine are things we did together, activities we did, songs that were sung, hikes that we took. The only gift that stands out in my mind is one my mom made me a year when we had no money. So, instead of camping out in that line at 4:00am on "Black Friday", why don't you stay warm in your bed, then get up, make your own coffee at home, and start writing your ideas down on what to do with your family that will be a lasting memory. Who needs another digital frame anyway? Or another sweater? Or another Bratz doll? Honestly, do any of us actually NEED any things? Or do we all long for and need someone to listen to us, someone to laugh with us, someone to let us know we aren't alone in this crazy world. Put away the credit card, get out the heavy coat, and take your loved ones on a walk. You'll thank me for it...no, better yet, you'll thank yourself.

So there ya have it, my two cents. Think we'll be using those more now and tossing them in wishing wells less?

Pinch of this....Dash of that...

• *From my xanga account....
  Landon turns 2 today. A bit of me panics when I think about that. I wish there was a better way to say that time is flying by, because everyone says that and it means nothing now, but it is. Time is flying by. And I panic because I feel like I am missing so much of it. What a blessing to be home with my kids all day, but also what a curse. Kind of like being raised in a Christian home. You just always know about God, so it is less of a big deal. Well same with being a stay at home mommy...I see them all the time, so it isn't as big of a deal as if I only saw them a few hours a day. Not that I am complaining, oh no, not at all. I wouldn't trade this job for anything. Nothing. Not a single thing. I just realize that I blink and they are grown. He says his own name now. He likes to walk around saying, "I am a robot". He cracks up any time he sees a picture of his Sissy. He is my heartbreaker.
  
• God is teaching me something these days, I'm just not sure what it is. I think He's preparing me for a future ministry. I'd like to request a little more clarity though. I have had a lot of hurting women cross my path lately, and I see my way clearer and clearer to a counseling profession in the future. I feel like I am failing them all, but I see them, I hear them, I'm willing to help. And doesn't that count for something? I don't know. (This is all mental rambling that will not make sense to most of you, so don't worry if you are bored or lost or just plain old annoyed by it all.)
  
• Although I didn't vote for Obama...I consider myself a conservative democrat, but I wrestled back and forth and finally had to vote McCain for the abortion factor...I cried when he won. Not because I was upset, nope, because I was so proud of our country. I have a lot of african american friends, I have experienced racism being directed at them while I was with them, and I have seen how ugly racism can be in the strangers and family and friends around me. I was so proud to see Barack and his wife and his two gorgeous daughters walk across that stage and take their place as First Family of the USA. I don't know what his administration will do, I don't know where our country will head, but I will be praying faithfully for he and his family, and I will have mini-heartbursts (good things, not to be confused with heart attacks...bad things) every time I think of that moment when it was announced that he had won.
  
• I painted last night. It felt good. I fixed a few paintings I did a while ago and had just hanging in the utility room, waiting to be worked on again, and I got a few other ones ready to be painted. I am thinking of starting a baby/children's art business. I use the term business lightly. I'm thinking of making art work and selling it. Name ones, cars and trucks and rockets and airplanes ones. Princesses and crowns and bugs and animals ones. You know, those adorable ones that you can buy for your kid's room. I'm going to do a few as Christmas gifts for friends, and get their feedback on them. I'll ask them to spread the word, and I may put some on etsy.com.
  
• I have baby lust on and off. For those of you who don't know what that is, relax....it isn't some horrible thing. I just mean that I have been wanting another child for a bit now. I go back and forth a little bit, but I do know that I am not done having children and that I would like another one at some point. I'm not getting younger, my current kids aren't getting younger, so I don't want to wait too much longer before adding to our family.
  
• I'm making a lot of gifts this year. I hope they don't turn out tacky or cheesy. I hate cheesy homemade gifts. Does that make me a bad person?
  
• Tuesday night I was out until 2 in the morning, laughing and chatting with my girlfriends. We started out at 7:30 in a MOPS steering meeting, and then ended up in a Dunkin Donuts. It was much needed. And hubby is still unemployed (tell my baby lusting self that this is a huge reason to wait....)so he got up and let me sleep in this morning. Yeah him! See, I am trying to see the positives in the whole husband is unemployed and around 24/7 and plays video games until I could scream and isn't really trying to find a job too hard and won't fix the hole in the bathroom that needs to be patched so I can paint it. BUT, I do get to sleep in now and then (well, does 9:20 count as sleeping in? And now and then = 3 times since Aug. 9th), and I am able to grocery shop all by myself now, and I can get together with girlfriends (provided he doesn't crash the party by deciding to come along) fairly often now.

Jolt

Yesterday I had a bit of a jolt. I was digging through my stationary drawer to find a card to mail to my friend when my fingers grabbed hold of several folded up papers. I couldn't remember what it was, so I opened it. Le sigh. It was the emails I had printed out July 24th, 2007. The ones between my husband and the woman he was having an affair with. The ones that had a few pictures of the two of them at a club, dancing and laughing.
Here's the kicker....
They made me sad. They hit me in the gut again. They angered me. But only a very little bit. And only for a short time. I didn't curl up on the floor, crying and clutching at my stomach like I would have a year ago. I didn't doubt myself and my looks/ability to love/years of giving to him/future like I would have a year ago. I didn't start rubbing at my heart and having random attacks of struggling to breathe like I would have a year ago.
My heart is healing.
And my marriage is healing.
And my God is an awesome one.

Lazarus, Come Forth....

Copied from my Xanga account. Because I'm lazy, that's why.

Okay, so this is nowhere close to as miraculous as what Jesus did when he brought his dead friend, Lazarus, back from the dead....but I am trying to resurrect something. That's right, I am attempting to breathe life back into my Xanga account. So it wasn't exactly dead....I was still reading my subcriptions daily...it was more in a deep coma. And my pinkie toe is starting to move again. That's right, we have a wiggle of an appendage.

So how to catch everyone back up? I'll just start blurting stuff out and see if you all can garner anything from all the word vomit on the page. Brad is still unemployed. It started out as mind-numbingly annoying, having him here ALL THE TIME, but now I am getting used to being able to make solo trips to the grocery store, go on outtings with my girlfriends without a child attached, and having him here to run interference with the kids. I can admit that I am going to miss the extra hands/help/ears/eyes when he does go back to work. Be praying for him. He doesn't want to go back into the kind of work he was doing before, so he is at a point in his life where he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He doesn't think he can go back to school (well, more like he doesn't want to/doesn't want to pay for it) to learn something else, so he's kind of at a loss as to what path to take next. He's been in a funk, not going out much, not taking care of himself, not making any sort of improvements, and I let him for awhile, but now I need to help him get his act together again. I just don't know how to do that without becoming naggy wife. He hasn't been looking for any jobs, and I am starting to get a teensy bit worried. He is getting unemployment for the time being, and we are able to pay bills, but we are on a tight budget (and I foresee that Christmas will be a lot smaller this year). Anyway, just pray that God will show him what his passion can be, and that the right job will come along for him.

We went last month to watch the movie Fireproof. It is a Christian movie about a couple on the verge of divorce, and, although slightly cheesy as all Christian movies are (you know that is true, so don't fuss at me!), it was excellent. We had some wonderful discussion afterwards, and our church has done a monthlong Fireproof marriage series which has been of great benefit to us. I have seen marked improvement in our relationship with each other. We still have a long way to go, but I have a lot more hope that we'll get there. And all the glory goes to God for that.

I'm attempting to look at this upcoming winter season with new eyes. Usually I dread the cold, the gray, the whole being stuck indoors for months on end, but this year I'm trying to approach it differently. I am looking at it as a time of cocooning. A time to draw close to my family and make family traditions and little home improvements. There is nothing else calling my time right now...no bright sunny days, no fireworks, no picnics, no playdates at the park....no, now is the time to make those holiday memories that last a lifetime, and paint that bathroom, and bake. I won't say that I will get through this winter without the blues, but I am really trying to change my attitude about it all.

I've been attempting to go through my crawlspace stuff in order to clear out more room in my house and simplify things. So far I've discovered that I need about 4 more bookcases. LOL. I have books aplenty, books galore. I heart books. And I have weeded through them, discarding (and by discarding I mean that I've placed them in the yard sale piles) the silly fiction ones, the quick read ones, the easy come easy go ones, but I have many, many more good books that I can't part with. I long for a library in my home. Floor to ceiling bookcases, sliding ladders, big comfy armchairs, a fireplace, and why not....a minifridge and expresso machine. However, I live in what is commenly referred to as a "lovely little house" or "sweet cottage", so there are no libraries to be found in my cape cod home. I'm going to have to rearrange my house a bit and fit in a bookcase here or there somehow. I just have to. :) I have come across a few things in my crawlspace that make me smile. The two shoeboxes full of letters between Brad and I. The volleyball shirt. The scrapbook I started of our relationship. The jar of Bolivian dirt that I gathered from my favorite places in Bolivia the day before we left there after highschool graduation. The photos of Emilie as a baby (she's 6 now, 6?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where did that time go?). The letters from my students when I was a teacher. Good stuff. I need to make a "Need a Smile?" bin.

MOPS is going really well. We have over 30 moms. My new position is Spiritual Leader, and although I cringe a bit every time someone introduces me as that (who me, a spiritual leader? But I'm just as screwed up as everyone else!!!), I am learning that God has a way to use my hurts and mistakes. I see that He is preparing me for something, and I am getting excited about whatever that may eventually be. Our church is always saying "God doesn't waste a hurt", and I can see how the past several years have merely been shaping me and changing my heart for good. I wouldn't erase my experiences, my mistakes, my hurts for anything. I'm a better person today because of them. I've become a table leader on Wednesday nights too, and I also led a table during our latest women's conference at church. I told a bit of "my story" to them, and it was a good time of crying and helping each other. Not to say that I have anything figured out yet, or that I am a good example of how to live your life, or that I am perfect, but I am slowly changing. I still need to do a better job of praying and reading my Bible. I still need to cut things out of my life. I still need to love my neighbors, my family, my friends better. I have a looooong way to go.

Landon will turn 2 in a few weeks. He is starting the terrible twos nonsense. Screaming, hitting himself in the head when he doesn't get his way, spitting at his sister. Yep, my little mellow man is not so mellow these days. But he is still a cuddle bug. And I adore him.

Emilie has a front tooth that WILL NOT COME OUT. It has been loose for forever, and we've all tugged, tied strings to, had her bite into apples, etc....but it refuses to budge. She is the most snaggle-toothed creature I've ever seen. I think she's beautiful, but her toothy grin is turning my stomach these days. LOL

All right. That's enough resurrection for one day. More to come.

Dreams and lack of sleep...

I can't write these days. Too much inner turmoil, not enough privacy, too many decisions to make...I don't know what the answer is. Probably all of the above plus more. I have the same problem with sleep lately. I lie there, in bed, my body exhausted, but my brain mulling over options and ideas, dreams and goals. I have a dream (not a nighttime, while you are sleeping kind of dream, I mean a life dream) that keeps coming up lately. I dream of living a much more simple life. On a small farm. My children, myself. A few animals. A life of church and family. Laughter, board games, laundry on the line in summer. No television, a smaller life. A life where things don't matter anymore, and people do. A life of giving to others. Of homemade bread, and canning. A life of fireflies, and shoveling snow, and an occassional trip to Starbucks. A life of reading in the evenings, and feeding the goats (chickens? horse? cow?), and walking with our dog loose from his leash. The life I had growing up (somewhat....then it was a monkey and jungles and riding on top of the jeep while swarms of blue butterflies fly from small puddles along the dirt road), and the life I want for my kids. I'm tired of this one. This craziness of "getting ahead" and buying the latest gadgets and keeping up with the neighbors and Hannah Montana and PS3 and get a new car and more and more and more. I want my kids in a country school. I want to garden.

I told my mom about this dream I keep running across, and she said, "You need to let that go, you know you will never have that with Brad." And my heart broke. And she's right. He will never want that life.

I'm struggling in my marriage. I'm annoyed with myself for saying that. Not because it is an untruth, but because I have said it for so many years. Year after year after year. I would avoid talking to me....I've become that wife who always complains about her husband, talks about what a struggle it is, and then doesn't do anything about it. Ugh, I don't like her.

Head's up...I'm going to do some more husband complaining. It won't be pretty. And I won't apologize for it. He lost his job 3 weeks ago. And I can't be the supportive considerate wife because it was his fault. It was through his own dishonest actions that he lost his job. So I am angry. And if he were to learn from his mistake, strive to change and do better, then I could be the supportive considerate wife. But he hasn't. He doesn't. He has put out maybe 8 resumes (his figure, I think it is considerably less than that) in the past 3 weeks. He hasn't ramped up work on the house, or started working out, or gotten more involved in church, or taken his children anywhere. He is doing nothing with his time. So when I say that I am tired of him being in my home during the day, it is more than simple annoyance. Saturday I installed a new mailbox, and took all of the old caulk off of the tub and shower surround. Then I put new caulk in. Then I grocery shopped. And made dinner. What did he do? He sat in the living room, using the company laptop that he has yet to return, and looked up information and videos about people using Ouiji boards. I kid you not. He skipped church Sunday. He is gambling again...with what very little money we have left.
I can't change him. I can't make him a better person. I can't make him want to be different. I am thisclose to pulling a Pontius Pilate and washing my hands of him. And I think that would probably be the best for everyone involved, including him.

Labor Day

In honor of Labor Day, here is a meme from Rocks in My Dryer...

How long were your labors?
Emilie: 26 hours
Landon: 17 hours
Here's hoping if I ever am blessed with another child that the trend of shorter labors continues...

How did you know you were in labor?
Contractions started, and got closer together.

Where did you deliver?
In the hospital with both of them. I have to admit that the hospital I delivered Emilie at, in Ohio, was much nicer than the one I had Landon in here in PA.

Drugs?
You bet your bottom dollar. I went as long as I could with both of them, and then happily got the epidural. Thank God for wise people who developed those. With Landon, I had it twice...the first time it only numbed half of my body. Grrr. And no, half is NOT better than none at all.

C-section?
No, and I am so glad. I REALLY did not want one.

Who delivered?
The doctor. I liked Emilie's doctor much more than Landon's, but no matter, they both got here safely.

Anger

I am so angry lately. It bubbles just below the surface, begging to be released. I've never been an angry person, a bitter person, one to complain....and a friend of mine make an off-hand remark the other day about me not speaking on a certain topic because I would be "sour grapes". She didn't mean it to be harsh. She was just speaking what she saw. Her truth. And I have become that. I'm a downer. This week I have asked a few close friends to pray for me. To pray that God would show me, very clearly, what direction He would have me take. Anyone who has prayed this.....do you, deep down, really hope that it is one certain direction? I keep praying that His will would be done....but tagging onto that this phrase, "But God, you know that if you want me to go that other direction, you will have to change my heart and mind". Is that wrong? I'm just so tired of hurting and being angry and growing bitter. I want to be light-hearted again. And happy. And I want to sing. I want to be a joy-giver to people, not an emotion drainer.

I leave Saturday for a week with my in-laws. Time will be spent with both sets. I am really not looking forward to this at all. Keep those prayers going for me.

Ugh.

Bigger Better Pinker

My daughter has two girls in the neighborhood that she plays with. She's 6, they are 8 and 9. As anyone who is a girl, or has a girl, or knows a girl, or works with a girl knows....three means that there will always, ALWAYS be drama of some sort. Any combination of the girls, when in pairs alone, get along well. But throw a third in the mix, and there are fights and tears and "she saids" and hurt feelings. The oldest of the three girls is a tomboy. She's active and involved in lots of sports and isn't into boys and fashion and things of that nature. The middle one is a girly girl. And my daughter tags along with the other two. My daughter is NOT perfect. She is dramatic and mouthy (at 6? Oh yeah, you betcha!). However....however....I admit all of that. The mom of the Tomboy gets it too. Her daughter isn't perfect either. Mom of the middle one...Girly Girl...she doesn't get it. Her daughter can do NO wrong. And if her daughter did any wrong it is because the other two hurt her feelings. Tomboy mom just called me, for the first time ever, because she heard from the girls that there was some birthday drama. See, Em didn't have a birthday party this year. Instead, I told her that over the summer she could have a friend spend the night. And it was supposed to be a friend who is the son of my good bud...the boy who had her over to spend the night earlier this year. Well, she started talking about this "sleepover party" and each of the two girls was invited by my daughter. And then uninvited. And then invitied but only one of them. And the invited one was flip-flopped depending on which one Em was getting along with. And I told her that there was no "sleep over party", and I told them that there was no sleep over party. But GirlyGirl went home and cried to mom, and mom called me yesterday to complain that my daughter was hurting her feelings by telling her she was invited and then telling her that no, Tomboy was invited. And I explained to mom that there never WAS a sleep over party. And I talked, quite seriously, with my daughter and as a punishment for misbehaving she lost any sleep over at all. Back to Tomboy's mom. She called to commiserate with me over GirlyGirl's mom. GirlyGirl's mom used to call and complain to her all that time that Tomboy did this, or Tomboy said that...and Tomboy's mom said she wouldn't talk about it anymore, that the girl's had to work it out amonst themselves. Then Tomboy's mom told me the tale of "Bigger Better Pinker". Seems that the last 3 of Tomboy's birthday parties, GirlyGirl has been invited. And when Tomboy opens something that GirlyGirl wants, GirlyGirl cries for one. First year, Tomboy got a bicycle, GirlyGirl took one look at it, burst into tears, and told daddy that she wanted a bicycle, a bigger, better, pinker one. Next year, it was some other toy. Year after that, tears again....so Tomboy no longer has birthday parties. I laughed....because last year Emilie got a Webkinz and GirlyGirl saw it and ran home and 10 minutes later GirlyGirl's mom called and wanted to know where to find them. Next day, GirlyGirl comes over with FIVE of them. This summer, my dad and I built a swingset/playhouse in my backyard. GirlyGirl's mom came over and checked it out during the build. Week later, GirlyGirl's dad is out back, building a BIGGER swingset. With a zip line. Laughable, and doesn't bother me. But I can't wait until school starts and GirlyGirl is involved in school again, and dance, and whatever other activities keep her out of my hair. She has a nasty attitude, and a mouth, and lies all the time. And mom thinks she is perfect. And they are all driving me batty. I got out of junior high a gazillion years ago, and you couldn't pay me enough to be a teenage girl again. It was a relief to know that Tomboy's mom understands, could care less if Tomboy is invited to something or not, and is not at all about one-upping. Oh, and if Tomboy does something, I have free rein to yell at her and send her home. Not that I would, but Tomboy's mom understands that Tomboy is not perfect. :)
PS Two days ago GirlyGirl thought it would be funny to bring their big Golden Retriever up to my sliding glass door to bark at my little schnauzer. When I calmly and not at all angrily pointed for her to take her dog home, she ran home and told mom that I had cussed at her. Me, who doesn't cuss at anyone. Ever. Laughable. How do I know that she told mom this, because mom called. I'm tired of seeing her number on my phone.

Inafunk

That's my new word. Go on, say it out loud. Slur it all together. Inafunk. Doesn't that just about describe it all? Yep, I'm Inafunk. Blech. So, to try to jumpstart my way out of my funk, I'm going to list some good things that have happened lately....

• My sister had her baby last Friday morning. I got to be there for the whole thing. It was amazing and exciting and scary. And not as icky as I imagined. It was hard to see her in pain, but okay because I knew what the end result of it would be. And he is here, safe and sound, and she is okay too. Corin Elias _____ 8lbs, 2 oz, 20 inches long. He has an aunt who loves him very much already. The hardest part about the whole day was the end of it...when they plopped him on her belly, and then they scooped him back up, cleaned him off, gave him a bit of oxygen, weighed him, measured him, put him under the heat, then wrapped him up and handed him to Daddy....all this while I only got to watch. What??! I don't get to hold the new baby? Mommy got stitched up and then she held him, then Daddy held him again and then finally, FINALLY, I got to hold the creature that made me an aunt. Ugh. That whole part of not being the one on the bed, delivering the baby, not being the one to hold him first, yeah, that part was not fun. But I'm making up for that time now. :)
• God gave me a little blessing. My sister started her labor on the 24th. I got in the car to go with them to the hospital at the very time that one year ago I discovered the emails that showed me that my husband was having an affair. I have dreaded the 24th's arrival for the past several weeks, and God saw my mounting pain. My sister wasn't due until August 1st. So all that day, the day when I would have sat at home, remembering and hurting again, He gave me someone else's pain to focus on. And it was freeing and healing. And now when I think of the 24th/25th of July, it will be because of the birth of my nephew, and not for any other reason. God is good. Can I get an Amen?
• My kids built a blanket fort this morning, and I could hear them in the other room, giggling and playing nicely together. I have good kids. My 6 year old is such a great big sister, and my 21 month old is so funny. I have been blessed beyond all measure when it comes to them. I love being a mom. Most days.
• I found out a few hours ago that my older of the two younger brothers is coming to town for a week. Oh how I have missed having him around. I'm thrilled that he is coming.
• Never got a chance to post about the week in VA. Hope to, but one thing happened that may sound like a funny thing to be thankful for. My grandma (mamaw) died while we were down there. She had lung cancer, and we knew she didn't have much more time, so we weren't surprised, but it was still sooner than we expected. I got a chance to say goodbye to her, Emilie came in and held her hand and talked to her some, and my mom was able to be there right to the end. I am so glad I decided to go to VA after all, and so glad that I was able to say goodbye. We were able to attend the viewing and the funeral, and I was also able to help my mom and her siblings clean up and clear out my mamaw's house.
• Tossing this in for no other reason than that it just crossed my mind....I have a good dog. He'll be 2 next month, and he is a miniature schnauzer. He came already house-trained, never chews the kids' toys, and doesn't shed. He is cute and sweet and good-natured. Perfect dog for us.

Okay, feeling less inafunkish now. I should do that more often. Off to do more laundry, finally do those dishes, and figure out dinner.

I feel blue....

My brother once said that he associated people he knew with certain colors. Which I found funny at first becuase he is partially color blind, but then I realized that I too "saw" a certain color when I thought of someone. For example, my friend Stephanie is a soft gray, my friend Tayo is a deep brown, my brother's girlfriend is a sharp yellow, Emilie is a slash of gold, Landon is a sky blue, buyit is a steel gray with sparkling, glistening splashes of green and blue and pink and orange, especially orange. See, you guys are doing it now too. Thinking of people and what color they are.
I don't know what color I am, but I know that my moods have colors. And today I am blue. Deep ocean blue. With turquoise and dark, dark green swirling through it. The blue is my underlying sadness, and the swirling colors are the sense of accomplishment I feel for having just hung the blinds in Landon's room, hung his hook shelf, hung his growth chart, cleaned, put his clothes away, etc. So I'm sad today, but feeling proud of what I've accomplished. But it is easier to say I feel blue, with swirling accents of turquoise and green.
I like the days that I feel green. Bright spring grass green. Or when I feel orange. I'm fun when I'm feeling orange. Purple is not a good day. Red is when I feel dangerously sexy. And pink, soft fuzzy sweater pink....that's how I feel when I hold my sleeping babies.
So how about you guys....what colors are you? What colors are your family and loved ones? What colors are you enemies?

Nope, wasn't about cheese...

This was written the same day as my last post....but I only posted it on my xanga blog. So for those of you who don't read that one, here it is...

Brad called me about an hour ago and asked if I was upset. And I did something rare for me....I told him the truth. I told him that I was furious. That I was angry not only with his dad, but with him. I got it all out....how I feel like he has mistakenly led them to believe that our marriage issues are because of things that I have done or not done, he let them think that the reason we are getting along okay now is because I have changed those "issues", I ripped him a new one for not making any changes in how he relates with me. I told him that I feel invisible to him. I told him that it was a year ago this time that he was involved in an affair and in the past year he has not made any effort to show me that I am cherished, or loved, or special. He has yet to plan a date for us, he has yet to give me any little tokens of his love, he has yet to show me that he wants to continue to be married to me. I let him know that I was angry that his dad think so little of me, that it is his fault they have this opinion of me, and that it is only because of all the effort and time I put into holidays and celebrations that our children will have any of those memories at all. I plan all birthdays, I plan all holidays, I do the gift buying and the celebrating. Me. By myself. And I give him half credit for those things with our children. And I understand that this is what a mom does, but I want his family to know that I do those things. And apparently they don't. I told him how angry I was that he uses me as an excuse with his friends or boss when he doesn't want to do things. I basically unloaded it all. And he, I think, got it. And he said he needed a fire lit up under his ass in order to make those changes. And I told him, "consider that fire lit".
As for his dad. I don't know that I want to put any more effort into that relationship. I really don't want to visit them. I don't mind if Brad does, and I certainly wouldn't say that my children can't go, but I don't see the need for me to put myself into that environment. My brother lives a few hours away. Maybe I can visit with he and his wife while Brad and the kids visit with them. No loss to me. I will continue to send pictures, but I won't be putting extra effort into gift buying or letter writing. Why do I need to convince them that I am a good person? My family and friends know who I am. Shame on them for not seeing it. Not my problem.

Set in stone...

I am so angry right now. And hurt. But mostly angry. Brad called his father. And his father blames me. ME?!?!?!?!?! Brad is "so busy" and I should be picking up the slack. So if Brad doesn't call his father back, it is my fault. Even though I tell Brad at least once a week that he needs to call his father and also call his mother. Even though I'm the one who sends gifts or pictures. Even though I'm the one who says we should visit them.
They have this idea that they know me. The only things they know about me are things that Brad has said. And he said a lot of untrue horrible things about me when he was trying to justify leaving me--even though he wanted a divorce because he was having an affair. So they have this idea that I am a dirty person who doesn't clean, who doesn't help Brad with all of his overwhelming life problems. Brad is "too busy" with his job, but somehow he finds the time to spend hours on the computer researching the teams that will be playing so he can gamble on them. Somehow he's too busy to call his dad, but he manages to go out to the bar with his friends at least once per week if not more. Oh, and I am unclean. Me, who has one of the cleanest houses in the MOPS group. No, I am no OCD, but I am not dirty either. They made a comment to Brad last year that I never help them when I come to visit. Which is total bullshit. Excuse my french. I don't normally cuss, but I am so angry right now. I always offer to help clear the table, or help with the dishes, or help cook, and they always tell me "oh no, you sit and enjoy your time, you are our guest". And apparently I am supposed to ignore that. Well how the hell was I supposed to know that? I was pregnant and thought they meant what they said. And there is now way for me to change their opinion of me. They don't live here. They don't know what a kind, loving, generous person I am. They don't know that I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven my husband over and over again. They don't know that I am the one holding our little family together. They will never see that. And I could just scream. And I am crying about all of this. And I am just so done with them. D-O-N-E. Done.

Oh, and the baby birds died last night. The nest fell out of the tree during the storm and they were lying on the driveway. And I don't understand why I had a little miracle from God and then two days later they are dead. So I'm sad about that too.

Slow down, I'm getting dizzy....

• My sister stopped by last week to show me the cloth diapers she's been making. And they are cute, and certainly soft looking, but imagine my surprise when I realized that I recognized the fabric they were made from. I had lent her my baby stuff, and she had cut up the baby blankets. My heart cried. I took about two days of me whispering, "Let it go, just let it go" before I didn't feel like tearing up again. And even now my stomach clenches just a little. There were quite a bit that I didn't mind that she used, but there were two that were special. You moms out there know what I mean.


• My daughter had her 6th birthday last Friday. I can't believe I have a 6 year old. A child, no longer a baby. I decided not to do a birthday party this year, and we had the best time ever. The entire day was an Emilie day. She got a free meal coupon from a local restaurant, so we went there for breakfast. Then we went to a nearby town and used her $3 (free from their birthday club) gift card at Toys R Us. They gave her a special shopping cart that was decorated, a balloon, and a crown to wear, and she spent about an hour trying to decide how to spend her $5. (Yep, I'm a BIG spender. LOL) She was thrilled to come out of there with a gumball machine and a huge bubble wand, and I was thrilled that she had such fun and I only spent $1.40. We ate lunch at the park and she and Landon played for awhile, and then we headed to the mall. I had two $10 gift cards for Build A Bear, and a $10 off coupon, so she got to pick out a new Build A Bear, and also clothes and shoes for it. And I only spent $15.00. The kids played at the mall, and then I got them a pretzel to share and she also got to stop for an ice cream at the place down the road from us. She declared it "the best day ever". My mommy heart was so happy for her. We did go out to dinner the next night with my family...her favorite place (which, fortunately, happens to be my favorite place also) Jimmy Wan's Tai Pei, and my family met us there. The waitresses sang to her, and she got a free special dessert, and she told the owner's wife who had stopped by to ask if everything was good that it was "the best birthday meal she ever had". As we were leaving, I heard the woman telling her husband what Emilie had said. We came back home and had cake and ice cream, and she opened a few gifts from extended family. She had a lovely time. And I had a day where I honestly and completely enjoyed my children.

• We decided to get the kids a trampoline, and then changed our minds and we got them a swingset instead. A giant one. A wooden one. From Sam's Club. And it comes in 5 different huge boxes and says it will take two skilled people 24 hours to put it together. So yeah, my dad and I will be working on it for quite awhile.....
• Last weekend I picked up a dresser from a friend of mine. She graciously gave us a really nice heavy wooden dresser with a large mirror. Emilie has been needing one since her's kept falling apart, and there was only so much hammering and gluing I could keep doing to it. We took the old one out of her room and stuck it in the front yard with a "free" sign on it. A man came and wanted it, but said he didn't have room for it in his car just then, so he wanted to know if he could take two of the drawers out and then lay it down in the yard and come back for it later. Sure, no problem. Only, he never came back. So now I have a dresser that I can't give away because it has two missing drawers. Ugh. What a waste.
• Two of the neighbor girls came over on Tuesday and started whispering to Emilie. I don't like whispering around me, because I know that nothing good is being whispered about when a mommy can't know what it is. I had them tell me what was up.....apparently they had "found" a nest and it had two baby birds in it. They had carted it from one yard to another, tried to feed it ants, and were attempting to keep them warm by wrapping them in a bandana. Argh. I lectured them all about not touching baby birds, not messing with nests, etc, and then demanded that they bring me the nest and show me where they found it. Well, come to find out, they had knocked it out of the tree in MY YARD. By this time, they had been moving it around and carting it around for about 5 hours, so I figured there was no way these newborn baby birds were going to make it, but I figured I'd try at least. I stuck the nest back in the tree, wedged it in where it was before, and prayed that night that the mommy bird would come back. I had a dream that night that the mommy bird had, and I woke up the next morning, doubtful that it was true, but hopeful. I walked outside and looked up and just grinned from ear to ear. That was beautiful mommy robin, sitting on her nest. I've been watching her now for two days, and she is so lovely. But now I worry about when she pushes them out....I have to check that we don't run over them, I have to keep the cat inside, I have to watch that the dog doesn't get them when he goes outside. I feel like I just had two more children.
• I haven't been watching what I've been eating lately. Ugh. I feel ick. And I've gained back a few pounds. Double ugh.
• Got a nasty email from my stepmother-in-law. She wants me to tell hubby to call his dad so they can wish Emilie a happy birthday. She informs me that father-in-law is upset because we didn't call back after he left a message. If I were a person who cussed, I'd be muttering WTF right about now. Husband's father can be so childish sometimes. The world revolves around him. Nevermind that they called ONCE to wish Emilie a happy birthday, and that it was the day AFTER her birthday. Nevermind that they didn't send a card or a gift for her. And who calls only once and then gets mad about it? And why in the world is this something for me to be telling my husband about. If fil has an issue with husband, shouldn't he be calling him. A little backstory here...FIL left family when my husband was about 2 years old. Left for another woman, who he later married. Husband had an older brother who died when husband was in 8th grade (brother was a freshman in college). FIL turned nasty after that, and wrote husband horrible letters in which he said stuff like "why couldn't you have been a better son like your brother" etc. They didn't communicate at all for about 10 years. I sent him a letter after we got married, introducing myself, telling them what a fine man his son turned out to be, and then exchanged Christmas cards with them for a few years. I told them when daughter was born and I sent pictures, then they FINALLY got in touch with Brad and communication started up again. But that whole ten years of not speaking, and those horrible letters, and the rest....well that has never been addressed. At all. And somehow it all falls on my husband (and more so me) to be the ones to put forth the effort. FIL forgets that father's day isn't just about him....now husband is a father too. Anyway, I could vent for a long time more, but needless to say there is much I want to say when I respond to her email, and I'm not sure I should. Argh. In laws. And that's just half of them......
• May be headed to VA after the 4th of July to spend a week with my parents and kids camping. Sometimes that sounds like fun and sometimes it sounds like a nightmare, so I am undecided right now and whether I will or not. I'd rather they just took both kids and let me get a gazillion house things done around here.

Romance...or...man, I want me a singing Irish man

We had a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) MNO (Mom's Night Out) last night. Wish I had more acronyms, but I'm out of them now. We met up at my dad's mission building and watched a chick flick while eating lots of junk. I'd already seen P.S. I Love You, but I knew most of them hadn't seen it, and since I consider it to be the best romantic love story I've seen in a long, long time, I had to get it again. We all laughed and sniffled our way through it. I highly recommend it. But get some other girls, some tissues, and some chocolate to eat during it.

I had two interesting things happen last week that I wanted to write about (ie, think about some more). The first was something that was my first thought upon waking up one morning last week. I am one of those type of people who wake up with brain going full blast. Means I'm not ever surprised by a phone call, or confused about where I am, but it also means that once awake, I ain't sleepin' again. Anyway, I woke up thinking about my MOPS friend who had surgery a few days earlier to have her thyroid removed. She has thyroid cancer. And it looks like they got it all, but it got me thinking about how many people I know who are going through bring you to your knees health issues. (Keep in mind, this was all going through my head lickety-split) And I thought about what would happen if I were to receive news that I had some life threatening illness. And my very next thought was what is the one thing I would regret. Here's the kicker...I started crying. Crying over the fact that I have never been on a romantic date. For some reason the main thing that I would feel like I missed out on was being romanced. And I felt so silly for crying over that. Hubby asked me what was wrong (obviously, I had just woken up and I was crying, so something must be wrong), and when I told him I just started crying harder. I never knew I had such a need to feel loved like that. What would a romantic date look like to me? Well, it would involve some planning, and lots of thinking about me and what I like. It might look something like this....
A phone call or email telling me to be dressed up and ready at a certain time. Babysitting would already have been arranged. Flowers would be given. (Irises, purple) I'd be driven to a Thai restaurant somewhere in Pittsburgh. There would be candles and talk about anything but what needs to be done in the house, the kids, or the latest baseball scores. We'd leave there and go to a gallery opening, or a museum, or the Botanical Garden.
So yeah, I've never had anything like that. And for some reason that makes me really sad. I think because I feel like I am not loved for who I am. For what I like. For what makes me laugh or makes me passionate. I am not made to feel that I am special.

Second thing that happened....
Was in Boardman this past weekend. Trying to run some errands with both kids and husband. Made it through 3 stores before they crashed. And I thought out loud "man, it would be so nice to do something just the two of us". So I called my parents, right then on the spot, and asked if they would be willing to watch the kids so we could have a date. And they agreed. And then I got off the phone and started hearing all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea to have a date that night (already too late in the day, would have to go all the way home and then back out and that would be too much gas money, would be better if we could actually plan a date first, etc, etc, etc). And I had to excuse myself and go to a bathroom to cry. I couldn't help myself. And I am not a crier. And it isn't "that time of the month". And I realized, yet again, that I really want someone to do something nice for me. To want to be with me. Even if it is not convenient. Even if it is spur of the moment.

Am I nuts, girls? Do I expect too much? I don't want to have romantic dates all the time. I am not saying I need to go on any kind of date every week. I just would like, for once in my life, to be surprised and feel special.

I'm a winner!

Thanks to manic mommy's contest, I am now a winner. I am so excited about this. Which is crazy considering that the books are going to my sister, and aren't even for me. But it is official and has been declared for all the world (or at least the world that reads the web) to see that I Am A Winner. Booyacka.

Summer Vacation

My daughter has officially started her summer vacation. I didn't realize how much I would miss that bright yellow school bus until last night. It was nearing bedtime, by which point I am ready to punch out on the time clock, and I kept thinking that I only had to get through the rest of the evening because tomorrow was a school day. And then it would hit me....no school....not for weeks and weeks and weeks. No relief.

I love my daughter. With every fiber of my being. I would not exchange being her mom for anything in this world or out of this world.

She is a high strung girl though. She was what I called a high stress baby, and she hasn't changed in that respect. She is one of those people who feels everything at a higher level than those around her. If she is happy, she is overjoyed. Sad? Extremely morose. Mad? Watch out world, she can explode like a nuclear bomb. She gets thrilled with the smallest of birthday gifts. She feels pain and expresses it more than anyone I have ever met. She is a bundle of non-stop energy. And she is also type A. To the max. She, at age 2, knew when we were headed in a different direction than we would normally take, and she would tell us that we were going the wrong way. She is extremely literal. If you tell her "in a minute", she expects whatever was promised to be delivered in an actual minute. She wants to know the precise time for everything, and she does not like us to deviate from that time. She is always right. About everything. She defined "in a bit" and "in awhile" with an actual time frame, and she figured out that "in awhile" was longer than "in a bit" (which is actually the opposite of what I would have thought). She drives me nuts quite often....I am a very non-scheduled person. I get there when I get there. I like to stay fairly even-keeled with my emotions, and I am not an in your face kind of person. Needless to say, we clash quite often. And she's only 6 (actually, she'll be six in 11 days).

I worry about her sometimes. About what it will be like living with her when she is 13, and how she'll deal with the emotions that come with dating. But I would not change her personality at all. I love how excited she gets about everything. I know that her punctuality and type-A behavior will serve her well later in life.

However, all of that being said...

I still can't believe it is only day 1 of vacation, and I am already getting a new twitch.

Growing up...

I just realized something. I was doing dishes when this thought flew through my head. And it was so striking that I had to hurry downstairs and write about it.

My parents are never going to rescue me.

And that one simple statement is what I think will be what finally makes me grow up and take responsibility for my own life. Over and over I have shared what I am going through in my marriage with my parents (albeit, it is a condensed and edited version), and so often I have gotten the blank look, or the change of subject. And I didn't realize until just now that I have been waiting for them to rescue me. For them to come and take me out of my situation. For them to make everything better. I didn't realize that I have grown up. I am 30 years old. If I don't like where I'm at, if I don't like my life, if I don't want to continue on in the same direction that I've been heading in for the past 9 years, well, I am the one who is going to have to make the changes. No one, not my parents, not some knight on a white horse in shining armor, not some life-altering event, no one and nothing but me. Wait, me and my God. But I can't just use the excuse that I am waiting for Him to give me a clear answer as to what He would want me to do. He is in me. A part of me. And He goes with me. I can't walk away from Him. He'll never leave me or forsake me. So if I make changes that He doesn't like, He'll certainly let me know. And He'll probably let me suffer my consequences, but He will not desert me. So I don't need to fear that I am doing something against Him. And I don't feel like the changes I need to make are ones that He is opposed to. If I did feel that way, I would not consider them.

I've never broken up with a boy. Never, in my entire life. I've dated guys, but I always took the coward's way out. I sent my friend to break up with my first boyfriend. I treated one so badly that he broke up with me. I called one and told him on the phone. But never once have I looked someone in the face and told them that I did not want to be with them. And this life change is going to take a whole lot of guts that I'm not sure I have.

And that last paragraph scared me so bad that I have sat here for the last 5 minutes, re-reading it. And thinking I shouldn't put it out there. Because what if I can't do it. What if I am too scared and I have to change my mind. And what if....what if....what if....I detest the sniveling me that lives inside. And I know that it will only take one moment of me being honest and telling the hard truth...only one moment, and that sniveling me will be gone. I only have to give the brave me a chance....I'm in there somewhere. Buried, stifled, forgotten. But I am in there. And if I can shut the sniveling me up long enough, the me that I could admire would appear.

Funny you should ask....

I just sat down at the computer and saw that a friend of mine had jotted off a quick "How is today going?" email. And I had to laugh....

I was on craiglist, looking for dressers and outdoor playsets when Landon wandered over. Totally naked. Which is shocking in itself, but even more so since a minute earlier I had seen him and he had smelled a bit...you know, that smell that makes you go "okay, poopie diaper change coming up". So I jumped up from the computer chair and dashed around the corner, concerned about what I would find waiting for me in the tv area. Phew, diaper, poop intact, safely sitting on the floor, no spillage. But wait, what is this?!? The dog is at the backdoor. Shocking because he was on his dog run, which is NOT by the backdoor. And his collar is missing. And he's covered in mud. So I usher him into the laundry room where he is safely contained until I can rediaper Landon and reclothe him. What is this?!?! The phone is ringing. And it is Emilie's school. So I answer it, only to hear...."Emilie has a rash on her cheeks and forehead. She doesn't have a fever, but I just wanted you to be aware of it....Fifth disease has been going around and I don't think she has it, but I wanted you to know that she does have a rash. We'll just keep her here since she doesn't have any other symptoms and she says it doesn't itch." So.....Landon is safely encased in plastic and cotton again, dog is clean, I'm informed of rash, and I sit down to find that email. LOL.

Crunchy gooey goodness...

Not sure why that is the title I've chosen. Maybe it will make sense to me later....

My dad bought me a drill for my anniversary. And it makes perfect sense that for my 9th wedding anniversary he bought ME a drill. Because after nine years I've realized that the person I have married is never going to become a handy man. He just isn't made to be one. And I need handy man things done around my house. So I will become the handy man of my house. I will drill things and screw things and assemble things and get things done. Isn't that how marriages last? You realize what things can change and what things can't....and you adjust yourself accordingly. I've always been the one to put things together, to read the map, to remember where the car is parked. I am the visual one of the relationship....I am the one who can see how windows need to be taken out and put back in...how the shower door needs to be hung...how to fit furniture through doorways. So I spent much of this holiday weekend hanging blinds, curtains, pictures, and shelves. I felt very "I am woman, hear me roar". Now I'm ready to start tackling the plastering that needs to be done in my bathroom. Diydiva, I'll be coming to you with questions....

I haven't exercised this week. Excuses, but none valid. Will get back on track. I'm up a pound this week. Ugh.

Last night was our MOPS Steering In and Out dinner. I am officially no longer the MOPS coordinator of our group. And the new one is going to do a FANTASTIC job. She is so much more organized and prepared than I was. I'm excited to see how the new year goes.

Hubby is starting meds today. Hopefully something to balance out his moods a bit better. Cross your fingers, say your prayers.

I'm caught up in dance rehearsal hell. Six days out of 8 I am in a dark theatre, watching kids "practice" their dances. I can't wait for the stupid recital to be done on Sunday. Ugh.

I'm thinking about just having a staycation this year. No Myrtle Beach. Which means no beach, but also no money swooshing down the tank of the car, no 14 hours of car time with two kids, no dealing with the in-laws. Might actually be a good trade-off. And PA has fun things to do, right here at home.

Newness...

I bought myself an mp3 player yesterday. And I can't believe I didn't get one sooner. And I'm shocked that I was able to download any song I wanted from Best Buy's music store and load it on there....for free!!!! I only (ha, ONLY) put 70 songs on it so far, and I am loving it. I've been doing my chores today, singing along to my favorite worship songs, shakin' my hips to my favorite tunes, and bopping my head. Oh yeah, I LOVE my little pink player. It is tiny. Teeny. So cute. I can't wait to use it during my walks now too.

I changed my bedroom around. I switched it sometime last fall and I've hated it ever since. The flow of the room was all wrong....I slept bad that way...the feng shui was off. All is put back to rights now. I waited this long because I have hardwood floors, and any time I move stuff I manage to scratch the floors all up. Well this time I did it the hard way. I emptied dressers, took apart the bed, actually moved stuff out of the room. Took longer, I sweated more (thanks for the extra workout!), but managed to not scratch a thing. I love moving rooms around.

Next week is our 9 year anniversary. If ever a year deserved celebration it is this one. If we make it through this year, we can make it through any year. Days like yesterday make that a big if though....

I weighed myself this morning....since starting this weight-loss journey I am down 20 lbs. Oh yeah!!! Go me! :) That isn't 20 lbs since starting the MOPS Biggest Loser thing...I'm down 7 since starting that....but 20 since January (please note, I started in January, fell off the wagon, and only got back on again about 3 weeks ago). I'm less now then I was when I got pregnant with Landon. But I have a long way to go to get to where I was when I got pregnant with Emilie, and even more to go to get to my goal weight. But booyah, 20 lbs. is somethin'!

I'm getting an elliptical with my Dubyah $$. Stimulating the economy....and my weight-loss. Thanks, George Dub. I appreciate it.

Gotta go mop floors. I'm not a domestic goddess, that's for sure.............

I'm a Christian. Period.

"You and your parents have small-minded beliefs. You are limited in your viewpoints. If I had to believe what you guys believe, I'd put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I pity you."

And all I can think is how wrong he is. How rich and full and beautiful and colorful and amazing my life is because of my belief in God and His son, Jesus. I unapologetically believe in God. I believe He created earth and all that is in it. I believe that He sent Sis son to earth to be born a man. I believe that Jesus is God's son, that He died on the cross for me, and that He rose again. I believe that He is in heaven, making a special place just for me. I believe that God hears me when I pray. I believe that He cares about me. And I believe all of that, not because my parents taught me to, but because I have lived it, felt it, breathed it. I have tested Him and found him to be true and good. I have walked away from Him and felt life without Him, and I have returned to Him and felt his loving forgiveness. My beliefs are not small-minded. I am not limited by them. I have been expanded beyond what I could be by myself. And I am so grateful for that. I feel some anger for his words and their intended hurt, but mostly I feel so sad for him. That he doesn't feel God like I do. That he can't hold on to those beliefs during difficult times in his life. That he has to hurt me in that way. And I know that it is only my God who lets me feel pity and sorrow for him, when everything natural would be for me to start feeling bitterness and hatred. I'm not ashamed to say that I love Jesus.

Actions speak louder than words...

The older I get the more true I find those silly little sayings to be. "A stitch in time saves nine." "A penny saved is a penny earned." "Actions speak louder than words." I'm learning that last one over and over again these days. I'm one of those people who generally see the good in others. I not only see the glass as half full, but I am thrilled to just see a glass with something in it. I want what is best for others, I long for it more than they do sometimes, and I am always hopeful that others will do the good I see them capable of doing. I find myself often surprised by others behaving meanly, or rudely, or just plain old badly. It doesn't cross my mind to be that way towards others, so I'm caught off guard when it happens. And when someone says something, I try my hardest to believe them. My heart gets hurt often.

I'm trying really hard to believe that my husband does want to work on things. But I'm struggling to cling to that when all I see are evidence of someone who doesn't care, doesn't want to try, or is just plain unable to change. It has been a number of weeks since I said I would only try one more time if we went to counseling. I gave him the counselor's number. I reminded him at least 5 times (although I said I wouldn't remind him....since if he really wanted to do this he would show me that by not needing to be reminded). And he has lost the number. The day I gave it to him he went to the bar with his friend instead. During this time that the kids and I were away he said he would fix the bathroom wall (I didn't ask him to, he brought it up on his own). I came home to see that not only did he not fix the wall, he didn't do anything. Not even his own laundry. And on top of it, he is doing the one thing I have begged him not to. The one thing I have given him ultimatums over. The one thing that I specifically and repeatedly told him not to do. In fact, the only thing that I have flat out told him no on. He is gambling again. And it hurts so much. He does not hear me. And although he says he loves me... although he says he wants to work on things... although he talks a good game...everything he does screams otherwise. And I am going to have to make my actions match my words now too......

I'm ba-ack....

I'll update on trip shortly....but for now I will just say that it was a hard trip.

I lost 2 lbs. this past week. Not bad considering most of the week was spent on the road. And several meals were at someone else's house where I had no control over menu. Oh, and I also didn't work out while traveling. So yeah, I'll take my 2 lbs. I think I was the biggest loser of the week among my competitors too. :)

Struggling today. Foggy brain. Tired. And sad.

See ya'll later

In one hour I will be getting into my van with my kids and half of my family. Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall for that one?!? As for me....I'd rather be a smooshed bug on the windshield. Oh yeah, it will be THAT fun....................

Hey Manchester buddy, thanks for the hallooo this morning. :)

See you all next week.

Over and Out...

Blah blah blah

• Lost 4 lbs during week one of the MOPS Biggest Loser. All together the team lost 28 lbs. I wasn't the biggest loser, but I wasn't the worst either. Right in the middle. Where I have no intention of staying!!!
• I spent hours today working on downloading a trial version of Word so I could write up some spanish translation documents for the mission trip that I DON'T get to go on. Got it done, and sent it off to the team leader through email. Phew. I was starting to worry that it was one of those commitments that I tend to make and then realize that I can't do.
• I had to cancel my counseling session for today. No babysitter. And no time. It is going to be a crazy evening of packing and loose string wrapping up.
• I have a friend traveling to Europe today. Bon voyage! Have a safe and wonderful trip. Wish I was going. :)
• I am dreading, big time, this trip tomorrow. My parents, my sister, my sister's boyfriend, my kids and I....all crammed in my van...and my parents are fighting today. And my sister is pregnant and will have to pee constantly. And my youngest hasn't ever been in the car that long. And we all love each other but get on each other's nerves.
• Didn't walk today. Feel icky because of it.

Walking thoughts...

I am never going to just magically wake up skinny, so this is going to take hard work. For which I am prepared and willing and ready to do and have been doing. The whole idea that I have to make the changes that I want to see in my life...yeah, it only took me 30 years to get to that one. I'm a little slow.

I am so thankful that as badly as I have abused my body that God has kept me healthy. I have been extremely overweight for a good 8 years now, and I haven't suffered from diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other weight related illness. I have also had two very healthy pregnancies. So I am just so thankful that my body has been kind to me, even though I have not been kind to it.

Smithers (the huge hill that is smack dab in the middle of my walking loop....short for Smithereens, because that is what I would like to crush him to) and I made a deal today. He won't kill me, and I promise to get off of him as quickly as I can. And I added a new loop to my walk today. It was a road I'd not been on, and imagine my surprise to encounter Smitherish and Smitherette on that route. Oh joy...more hills. My calves are going to be so sexy by this time next summer!

My brain/body are enjoying this challenge. As I walk, I hear a little mantra singing in my head. "I'll be running this in no time, running this in no time, running this in no time." I've never been like this in my life. I am so ready to take on the idea of training for a marathon (albeit, a mini one), and bike, and hike, and canoe, and white-water raft. I was a tomboy as a kid, and boy do I feel all of that coming back again.

I can already feel muscle under my fat. And I see a bit of definition in my calf muscles too. I can't WAIT to see what my body will look like once all this fat is gone.

I'd be scared of me. Because I have that kind of determination that will kill you if you mess with me. I'm one badass momma. With a heart of gold. I'd be my friend.

Freakin' Proud

I am so freakin' proud of myself. I took Henry to the groomer's, and I had 40 minutes to kill. Forty minutes in which I could have gone to a coffee shop, browsed through a store, checked out new books at the library, sat in my car and read....but no, what I did was switch out my flip-flops for a pair of tennis shoes (a la Mr. Rogers...) and headed over to the nearest park. I plopped Landon in his stroller and did two quick loops around the walking trail. Pushing the stroller up and down the hills (and through the dirt/gravel walkway) slowed me down about a minute per mile, but it still felt good to do a quick 2 miles.

Yesterday I mowed the front yard. I haven't pushed a mower in years. In my 30 years of living on this planet, I have mowed the grass exactly twice before yesterday. There is a small hill on the side of our house in the front, and it was a good arm workout to push that thing down and haul it back up, over and over again. And because I am such a nice girl, I did my neighbor's strip of yard too. The hard part. The part on the hill that leads up to the mailbox. I was only slightly slower than Brad at mowing it, so that felt good to know. One of these days I'll do the back too, but for now I let him do that! :) We own almost an acre.....and I am NOT ready to push mow all of that.

The kids and I headed out to Moraine Lake yesterday. I packed some healthy snacks and several pb&j sandwiches, and we played out there by the water for a few hours. My parents came with us, and my sister and her "baby daddy" met us there. It was fun to throw a football around, watch the kids enjoy the playground, and take in some nature.

I'm thinking of getting a part-time job. I need some of my own money. And with gas going up, up, up, our budget gets tighter, tighter, tighter. If I ever want Starbucks again, then I need some money coming in! :)

God is still telling me to wait on Him. I can feel my heart softening. I know He is going to have all of the glory at the end of this time in my life. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for me....I know it is going to be so much better than anything I could ever have hoped for. Cuz that is how my God rolls.

Family pride...

There is a strong personality trait that runs through my family tree. It comes down through my dad's side of the family, and we jokingly call it the "R_____ Pride". On the good side of things, it gives us great external confidence when facing a challenge or new situation. We look like we have it together, we hide our nerves, we converse and laugh and make the kind of responses that leads people to believe that we are natural born leaders, or that we can take on any task laid in front of us. We come across as very capable people. However, internally it wrecks havoc on our thought processes. We have this underlying belief that we will be the best at whatever it is we are attempting to do. We just naturally assume that our way is the right way. (And, quite often, it is.) We are a group of people who are good at just about anything (not particularly great at any ONE thing, but good at a lot of stuff). Here's the biggest downfall to this way of thinking though...when we encounter something that we KNOW we will not be the best at, we tend to shy away from doing it. When it becomes apparent that we will not be numero uno, we stop whatever it is we were doing, back away, and turn in another direction. This hit me square in the face today....I got an email from two of the girls in my MOPS BL group. They both said that they had already lost 4 and 5 lbs this week. And I immediately felt defeated. I just assumed that I would lose the most weight, that I had this competition nailed already. And it made me feel like a failure. I grumped at my husband, I growled at my kids, I slumped around the house, and I ate a few things I should not have eaten....all as a result of this stupid R_______ Pride. It didn't hit me until a few minutes ago that this competition, this attempt to, once again, lose weight isn't a means of being better than someone else at something. The whole purpose of this isn't for me to say "hey, guys, I won, I beat you all", the purpose of it is for me to get healthy and lose weight. So I need to rearrange my thinking on this one. I need to not get down any time I read that so-and-so walked 4 miles, or so-and-so did an hour on the treadmill. I need to celebrate their loses, but not feel defeated if mine aren't as good. I need to learn to celebrate MY wins. This morning I was "beating" myself up because I cut my walk short by 10 minutes. I was upset with myself for shortening it, when I should have been proud of myself for getting up, once again, at 6 in the morning and walking my loop. The loop that takes me up and over Smithers (I have named my hill Smithers....for Smithereens....because I would like to crush him to smithereens for being so dang steep and loooooooong) several times. And I should have been thrilled with the shoutout God gave me today. I was headed up Smithers for the first time, huffing and puffing and internally bemoaning the fact that I had to do this, when a deer appeared in the yard of the house ahead of me. Only about 25 yards away (football yards, not house yards). It stopped and watched me get closer and closer, then turned around and ran. I was just thanking God for this little hello when it suddenly ran back through the yard and crossed the road not even 5 yards in front of me!!! I laughed out loud...and then wondered if it was rabid. :)

Yawn...

Husband got up to pee at 6:10 this morning and I mumbled, "Hey, how come the alarm didn't go off?"
"It did... twice."

Huh, apparently I slept through it going off both times. I rolled myself out of bed anyway, put on my workout outfit ("You have a workout outfit?!?" my sister exclaimed yesterday), and headed out the door. I did my walk with snow, yes, SNOW pelting me the entire time. The hill (someone help me name it!) didn't kill me nearly as bad as yesterday, but I was 2 minutes slower today. Snow? Cold? The fact that I was praying for someone during part of it?

Supposed to be having a MOPS playdate at a local park this morning. Somehow I think the snow is going to nix that. The backup plan was to meet at a place called Bouncin' Around (large place full of those inflatable jumping thingamabobs), but since money is tight right now, I think we'll have to skip. I need gas more than I need to meet up with the moms today.

I sing tonight. Need to dye my hair again beforehand. I used to go to a hair dresser down the street from my house. She did a lovely job and she goes to my church, but I couldn't afford to pay $50-$100 every 2 months. I quit going and started doing my own coloring. Here's the kicker....she sits at a table RIGHT IN FRONT of the microphone where I sing. So I am always self-conscious of my hair dye job. I don't know if she thinks I am going elsewhere, or if she can tell I do my own now, but either way I hope she realizes it was a financial decision, not a comment on her abilities.

My dad was interviewed on the Christian radio out of Pittsburgh yesterday evening. He did a fantastic job. He has a nice radio voice and is a great speaker. I was so proud of him. And I'm hoping it will result in more support for the wonderful ministries that he has going on in Bolivia.

Tha-tha-that's all, folks.

Hmmm

I was sitting here thinking about my day, and trying to figure out what went wrong. I did great with eating the right things all day....all day, that is, until 3:30 hit. Why did I suddenly head for the cupboards and fridge? Was it because Husband called and said he was going out to the bar? Was it because Shorty came home from school? Or was it because (and I know this is the true reason) I realized that I had, once again, wasted my day with piddling around on stuff instead of doing what I should have been doing. I won't do that again tomorrow. Which means you won't see me on here. Unless I change my mind. ;)

I'm reading a book that I think may be life-changing. It is one of the few books that I have the thought, WHILE I AM STILL READING IT, that I am going to have to read this book again. As soon as I finish it. To get more good stuff out of it. It is called "Better Than My Dreams...Finding what you long for where you might not think to look" and is written by Paula Rinehart. My sil sent it to me recently. Very good read. And very appropriate for everything I am dealing with in my life right now. Marriage woes, hitting 30, figuring out future plans, etc. I highly recommend it.

MOPS BLT

The MOPS Biggest Loser Team has assembled. The weight-loss challenge has begun. And the suckiest part is that I am the biggest, but that just means that at the end of all of this, I'll be able to brag the most. :) Here is what we're doing...
Competition starts today and ends in 20 weeks (MOPS starts up again the day after the 20 weeks are up [MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers]). We weigh in every Monday, and we email our results to each other. At the end of 20 weeks, we will calculate who has the highest percentage of weight loss. That person will win either free babysitting from each of the participating team members, or money from each team member to go towards a new outfit. (We're debating which prize we like better. I'm all for the babysitting since I know I'll need even more outfits as I continue my weight-loss on my own past the 20 weeks.) We've also set up personal goals...and if we reach those, then we get a spa day. We first thought that we'd make those goals 40 lbs, but now we're leaning more towards 10% of our current weights. Either way, I'm ready. The competative streak has kicked in. So much so that I was sorely disappointed when I woke up to walk this morning and it was raining. So I am digging through my old DVDs and finding that stupid Walk Away the Pounds DVD and doing that during Landon's nap-time today. Now if I can just convince hubby that an Ipod and a Y membership (or elliptical) are a good way to use the government stimulus money. Oh yeah, and I want a trampoline now too...now that I jumped on one at L's house last week and saw how much fun Landon had on it. The kids would LOVE it, we'd get outside more, and I would have so much fun watching all my bits and pieces bounce less and less throughout the summer.
Today I'll be busy here at home.....doing laundry. I hate laundry.

head....hurts...so...much

Ugh. Monster headache. Woke up with it. At the ungodly hour of 5:30. Why, body? Why? Finally had to take two excedrin migraine....it won't go away. I walked anyway, headache and all. And decided that I'll only take Henry on my walks every few days. If he is with me, I find myself thinking of him the entire time. Is he going to stop in this yard and poop? Stop cutting in front of me. Walk faster. Walk slower. Quit pulling my arm. Why are you scared of that mailbox and not any of the other ones. Come here, I'll scoop you up and save you from that big mean scary barking dog. Soooo....he'll only accompany me every once in awhile. I need some thinking time, and he is not letting me have that.

Cheesecake for the retreat tonight is done. Sitting on my oven. Cooling down. And probably getting a huge crack in it. Argh. Can't seem to make one that doesn't crack. Yummy as all get out, but cracked.

I have to decorate a tiara for tonight. A felt (what is the rubbery/felt/plasticy stuff called?) one. It has to be decorated in a way that says something about me....so that people can try to guess what tiara belongs to who (whom?). So I'm covering mine in coffee grinds and coffee beans. Oh yes, lovely, lovely coffee. It will smell good, even if it looks like Henry pooped all over it.

Must shave legs. Will be putting on swimsuit tonight. Shudder. And so not in the good way.

Getting giddy with the thought of not being a mom tonight. I forget that I am so fun. I'm quite silly underneath all of this marriage tension, mommy being, responsible acting self.

Weight-loss competition begins Monday. Although I've been eating right for three days now and walking every day too. If I reach my goal, I get a spa day. And if I win the competition, I get free babysitting from the other two girls. Oh yes, I am so winning this. (Which means no cheesecake tonight for me. Fortunately for me, I know I can make one, so it isn't such a big deal....)

Must go do laundry. Quit distracting me. Blogging was NOT on my list of things to do today!

Low Fat...

I have had such a lovely morning. It started off at 6:00 when I got up early and went for a walk. Finally. I've been meaning to go and just hadn't started, and it felt so good to use my legs and sweat a little. The only bummer was that the circuit (loop/route/only safe road in the neighborhood) that I took was a 30 min. walk instead of the hour I was hoping it would be. Which means I'll have to walk it twice to do an hour. Oh well....I'll get to know the neighbors REALLY well. :) I took Henry with me (my Schnauzer) and he was so happy to be out of the yard and exploring new areas. He did good too, I kept him on a short leash and he just plodded along beside me. After Shorty got on the bus, Little Man and I headed up north (which sounds sooo much farther than it was! Only 30 mins. north) to my friend L's house. K and her son came also, and we had brunch. Afterwards we took the boys outside and had a blast jumping on L's trampoline, chasing each other with toy chainsaws (who invents these things?!?!? What moron thought, "hmmm, I know, let's make a toy chainsaw so that little boys will think they're a safe plaything..."), and lounging around on her lawn chairs. We've decided to start a friendly weightloss competition/encouragement group. The three of us could pass for sisters (we get it all the time) and we both have weight that we want (and need) to lose. I am the heaviest, but that is okay, that just means I'll be the biggest loser. We told each other our "secret number" and no one passed out because of shock, and we are going to weigh in each week and see who has lost the most weight/percentage of weight by the time MOPS starts up again in the fall. I am so going to win this. :)
I feel good today. Ate right yesterday, walked this morning, the sun is shining, I spent time with girlfriends, and I'm going to the MOPS retreat tomorrow. It is well with my soul.

I couldn't figure out last night why I was so sore. My abs were sore, and my arms....but I had done nothing that should have left me sore....and then I realized what it was. And this is so embarrassing. I have been entering the bloggy giveaway contest. There are over 700 sites giving away things, and I sat yesterday for WAY too long and entered as many as I could. I'm not even halfway through the list....and if I do that again today, I will get nothing done. Which would be bad. Very bad. I have to

• get fruit to take to Lisa's brunch tomorrow
• make a cheesecake for the MOPS retreat
• buy a new scale because I've restarted WW again, again, again...
• clean up Shorty's room
• make a chore chart for Shorty
• return library books
• stop at Shorty's dance place and pay for next month
• make dinner
• watch Little Man
• decorate a tiara for the retreat
• sing at church tonight
• study for my Bible study group tonight
• go cut tulips at the cut your own tulip place (only $1 for a dozen!!!)
• dishes
• laundry
• and more...............

So I am sorry bloggy giveaway site....I have to ignore you today. I must resist the pull. I must.

I feel like an adulterer....

I'm cheating on my xanga page. With you, new love. My bloggy blogger blogspot blog. You are fresh and clean and uncomplicated still. And you are exciting because you are new. And I don't know what adventures you will bring. But I have to admit that I feel guilty and a bit unsettled. I miss my xanga people. And the comfort that comes with knowing how to navigate pages and edit things and post what I want. But ooooh, the thrill of the unknown draws me to you. Yes you, my lovely blog that I made awhile ago and forgot about. (sorry....) What lumps and bumps and odd looking things will you reveal during our relationship? What new joys and pleasures and memories will you help me create? Here goes nothing (or something...).....