Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Yesterday I had a bit of a jolt. I was digging through my stationary drawer to find a card to mail to my friend when my fingers grabbed hold of several folded up papers. I couldn't remember what it was, so I opened it. Le sigh. It was the emails I had printed out July 24th, 2007. The ones between my husband and the woman he was having an affair with. The ones that had a few pictures of the two of them at a club, dancing and laughing.
Here's the kicker....
They made me sad. They hit me in the gut again. They angered me. But only a very little bit. And only for a short time. I didn't curl up on the floor, crying and clutching at my stomach like I would have a year ago. I didn't doubt myself and my looks/ability to love/years of giving to him/future like I would have a year ago. I didn't start rubbing at my heart and having random attacks of struggling to breathe like I would have a year ago.
My heart is healing.
And my marriage is healing.
And my God is an awesome one.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Lazarus, Come Forth....

Copied from my Xanga account. Because I'm lazy, that's why.

Okay, so this is nowhere close to as miraculous as what Jesus did when he brought his dead friend, Lazarus, back from the dead....but I am trying to resurrect something. That's right, I am attempting to breathe life back into my Xanga account. So it wasn't exactly dead....I was still reading my subcriptions daily...it was more in a deep coma. And my pinkie toe is starting to move again. That's right, we have a wiggle of an appendage.

So how to catch everyone back up? I'll just start blurting stuff out and see if you all can garner anything from all the word vomit on the page. Brad is still unemployed. It started out as mind-numbingly annoying, having him here ALL THE TIME, but now I am getting used to being able to make solo trips to the grocery store, go on outtings with my girlfriends without a child attached, and having him here to run interference with the kids. I can admit that I am going to miss the extra hands/help/ears/eyes when he does go back to work. Be praying for him. He doesn't want to go back into the kind of work he was doing before, so he is at a point in his life where he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He doesn't think he can go back to school (well, more like he doesn't want to/doesn't want to pay for it) to learn something else, so he's kind of at a loss as to what path to take next. He's been in a funk, not going out much, not taking care of himself, not making any sort of improvements, and I let him for awhile, but now I need to help him get his act together again. I just don't know how to do that without becoming naggy wife. He hasn't been looking for any jobs, and I am starting to get a teensy bit worried. He is getting unemployment for the time being, and we are able to pay bills, but we are on a tight budget (and I foresee that Christmas will be a lot smaller this year). Anyway, just pray that God will show him what his passion can be, and that the right job will come along for him.

We went last month to watch the movie Fireproof. It is a Christian movie about a couple on the verge of divorce, and, although slightly cheesy as all Christian movies are (you know that is true, so don't fuss at me!), it was excellent. We had some wonderful discussion afterwards, and our church has done a monthlong Fireproof marriage series which has been of great benefit to us. I have seen marked improvement in our relationship with each other. We still have a long way to go, but I have a lot more hope that we'll get there. And all the glory goes to God for that.

I'm attempting to look at this upcoming winter season with new eyes. Usually I dread the cold, the gray, the whole being stuck indoors for months on end, but this year I'm trying to approach it differently. I am looking at it as a time of cocooning. A time to draw close to my family and make family traditions and little home improvements. There is nothing else calling my time right now...no bright sunny days, no fireworks, no picnics, no playdates at the park....no, now is the time to make those holiday memories that last a lifetime, and paint that bathroom, and bake. I won't say that I will get through this winter without the blues, but I am really trying to change my attitude about it all.

I've been attempting to go through my crawlspace stuff in order to clear out more room in my house and simplify things. So far I've discovered that I need about 4 more bookcases. LOL. I have books aplenty, books galore. I heart books. And I have weeded through them, discarding (and by discarding I mean that I've placed them in the yard sale piles) the silly fiction ones, the quick read ones, the easy come easy go ones, but I have many, many more good books that I can't part with. I long for a library in my home. Floor to ceiling bookcases, sliding ladders, big comfy armchairs, a fireplace, and why not....a minifridge and expresso machine. However, I live in what is commenly referred to as a "lovely little house" or "sweet cottage", so there are no libraries to be found in my cape cod home. I'm going to have to rearrange my house a bit and fit in a bookcase here or there somehow. I just have to. :) I have come across a few things in my crawlspace that make me smile. The two shoeboxes full of letters between Brad and I. The volleyball shirt. The scrapbook I started of our relationship. The jar of Bolivian dirt that I gathered from my favorite places in Bolivia the day before we left there after highschool graduation. The photos of Emilie as a baby (she's 6 now, 6?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where did that time go?). The letters from my students when I was a teacher. Good stuff. I need to make a "Need a Smile?" bin.

MOPS is going really well. We have over 30 moms. My new position is Spiritual Leader, and although I cringe a bit every time someone introduces me as that (who me, a spiritual leader? But I'm just as screwed up as everyone else!!!), I am learning that God has a way to use my hurts and mistakes. I see that He is preparing me for something, and I am getting excited about whatever that may eventually be. Our church is always saying "God doesn't waste a hurt", and I can see how the past several years have merely been shaping me and changing my heart for good. I wouldn't erase my experiences, my mistakes, my hurts for anything. I'm a better person today because of them. I've become a table leader on Wednesday nights too, and I also led a table during our latest women's conference at church. I told a bit of "my story" to them, and it was a good time of crying and helping each other. Not to say that I have anything figured out yet, or that I am a good example of how to live your life, or that I am perfect, but I am slowly changing. I still need to do a better job of praying and reading my Bible. I still need to cut things out of my life. I still need to love my neighbors, my family, my friends better. I have a looooong way to go.

Landon will turn 2 in a few weeks. He is starting the terrible twos nonsense. Screaming, hitting himself in the head when he doesn't get his way, spitting at his sister. Yep, my little mellow man is not so mellow these days. But he is still a cuddle bug. And I adore him.

Emilie has a front tooth that WILL NOT COME OUT. It has been loose for forever, and we've all tugged, tied strings to, had her bite into apples, etc....but it refuses to budge. She is the most snaggle-toothed creature I've ever seen. I think she's beautiful, but her toothy grin is turning my stomach these days. LOL

All right. That's enough resurrection for one day. More to come.