The older I get the more true I find those silly little sayings to be. "A stitch in time saves nine." "A penny saved is a penny earned." "Actions speak louder than words." I'm learning that last one over and over again these days. I'm one of those people who generally see the good in others. I not only see the glass as half full, but I am thrilled to just see a glass with something in it. I want what is best for others, I long for it more than they do sometimes, and I am always hopeful that others will do the good I see them capable of doing. I find myself often surprised by others behaving meanly, or rudely, or just plain old badly. It doesn't cross my mind to be that way towards others, so I'm caught off guard when it happens. And when someone says something, I try my hardest to believe them. My heart gets hurt often.
I'm trying really hard to believe that my husband does want to work on things. But I'm struggling to cling to that when all I see are evidence of someone who doesn't care, doesn't want to try, or is just plain unable to change. It has been a number of weeks since I said I would only try one more time if we went to counseling. I gave him the counselor's number. I reminded him at least 5 times (although I said I wouldn't remind him....since if he really wanted to do this he would show me that by not needing to be reminded). And he has lost the number. The day I gave it to him he went to the bar with his friend instead. During this time that the kids and I were away he said he would fix the bathroom wall (I didn't ask him to, he brought it up on his own). I came home to see that not only did he not fix the wall, he didn't do anything. Not even his own laundry. And on top of it, he is doing the one thing I have begged him not to. The one thing I have given him ultimatums over. The one thing that I specifically and repeatedly told him not to do. In fact, the only thing that I have flat out told him no on. He is gambling again. And it hurts so much. He does not hear me. And although he says he loves me... although he says he wants to work on things... although he talks a good game...everything he does screams otherwise. And I am going to have to make my actions match my words now too......
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2 comments:
i want to say this gently: he is showing you his intent. he is showing you exactly who he is.
i know this may not help, but you are prayed over everyday.
I can't imagine what you're going through, and don't have anything to say that will make you feel better about the situation. But after you commented on my blog, I read yours and want to say hello. And my heart goes out to you for your current challenge. I don't know you, but I'd guess the glass is half full, and that better times lie ahead.
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