I can't write these days. Too much inner turmoil, not enough privacy, too many decisions to make...I don't know what the answer is. Probably all of the above plus more. I have the same problem with sleep lately. I lie there, in bed, my body exhausted, but my brain mulling over options and ideas, dreams and goals. I have a dream (not a nighttime, while you are sleeping kind of dream, I mean a life dream) that keeps coming up lately. I dream of living a much more simple life. On a small farm. My children, myself. A few animals. A life of church and family. Laughter, board games, laundry on the line in summer. No television, a smaller life. A life where things don't matter anymore, and people do. A life of giving to others. Of homemade bread, and canning. A life of fireflies, and shoveling snow, and an occassional trip to Starbucks. A life of reading in the evenings, and feeding the goats (chickens? horse? cow?), and walking with our dog loose from his leash. The life I had growing up (somewhat....then it was a monkey and jungles and riding on top of the jeep while swarms of blue butterflies fly from small puddles along the dirt road), and the life I want for my kids. I'm tired of this one. This craziness of "getting ahead" and buying the latest gadgets and keeping up with the neighbors and Hannah Montana and PS3 and get a new car and more and more and more. I want my kids in a country school. I want to garden.
I told my mom about this dream I keep running across, and she said, "You need to let that go, you know you will never have that with Brad." And my heart broke. And she's right. He will never want that life.
I'm struggling in my marriage. I'm annoyed with myself for saying that. Not because it is an untruth, but because I have said it for so many years. Year after year after year. I would avoid talking to me....I've become that wife who always complains about her husband, talks about what a struggle it is, and then doesn't do anything about it. Ugh, I don't like her.
Head's up...I'm going to do some more husband complaining. It won't be pretty. And I won't apologize for it. He lost his job 3 weeks ago. And I can't be the supportive considerate wife because it was his fault. It was through his own dishonest actions that he lost his job. So I am angry. And if he were to learn from his mistake, strive to change and do better, then I could be the supportive considerate wife. But he hasn't. He doesn't. He has put out maybe 8 resumes (his figure, I think it is considerably less than that) in the past 3 weeks. He hasn't ramped up work on the house, or started working out, or gotten more involved in church, or taken his children anywhere. He is doing nothing with his time. So when I say that I am tired of him being in my home during the day, it is more than simple annoyance. Saturday I installed a new mailbox, and took all of the old caulk off of the tub and shower surround. Then I put new caulk in. Then I grocery shopped. And made dinner. What did he do? He sat in the living room, using the company laptop that he has yet to return, and looked up information and videos about people using Ouiji boards. I kid you not. He skipped church Sunday. He is gambling again...with what very little money we have left.
I can't change him. I can't make him a better person. I can't make him want to be different. I am thisclose to pulling a Pontius Pilate and washing my hands of him. And I think that would probably be the best for everyone involved, including him.