Thursday, June 5, 2008

Growing up...

I just realized something. I was doing dishes when this thought flew through my head. And it was so striking that I had to hurry downstairs and write about it.

My parents are never going to rescue me.

And that one simple statement is what I think will be what finally makes me grow up and take responsibility for my own life. Over and over I have shared what I am going through in my marriage with my parents (albeit, it is a condensed and edited version), and so often I have gotten the blank look, or the change of subject. And I didn't realize until just now that I have been waiting for them to rescue me. For them to come and take me out of my situation. For them to make everything better. I didn't realize that I have grown up. I am 30 years old. If I don't like where I'm at, if I don't like my life, if I don't want to continue on in the same direction that I've been heading in for the past 9 years, well, I am the one who is going to have to make the changes. No one, not my parents, not some knight on a white horse in shining armor, not some life-altering event, no one and nothing but me. Wait, me and my God. But I can't just use the excuse that I am waiting for Him to give me a clear answer as to what He would want me to do. He is in me. A part of me. And He goes with me. I can't walk away from Him. He'll never leave me or forsake me. So if I make changes that He doesn't like, He'll certainly let me know. And He'll probably let me suffer my consequences, but He will not desert me. So I don't need to fear that I am doing something against Him. And I don't feel like the changes I need to make are ones that He is opposed to. If I did feel that way, I would not consider them.

I've never broken up with a boy. Never, in my entire life. I've dated guys, but I always took the coward's way out. I sent my friend to break up with my first boyfriend. I treated one so badly that he broke up with me. I called one and told him on the phone. But never once have I looked someone in the face and told them that I did not want to be with them. And this life change is going to take a whole lot of guts that I'm not sure I have.

And that last paragraph scared me so bad that I have sat here for the last 5 minutes, re-reading it. And thinking I shouldn't put it out there. Because what if I can't do it. What if I am too scared and I have to change my mind. And what if....what if....what if....I detest the sniveling me that lives inside. And I know that it will only take one moment of me being honest and telling the hard truth...only one moment, and that sniveling me will be gone. I only have to give the brave me a chance....I'm in there somewhere. Buried, stifled, forgotten. But I am in there. And if I can shut the sniveling me up long enough, the me that I could admire would appear.


Patti said...

as a mom, it's been fascinating watching you find your strength while your pain is evident. and you are so right, no one can do this but you. and you will find what is right for you and your children. there is no doubt in my mind.

and you aren't sniveling; you are growing. you are coming back to you.

god speed, friend.

Annette said...

Being scared isn't sniveling. You've a right to be scared. But I think the act of even writing it down and thinking about it, means you have the courage to do what needs doing.

kitliz said...

I agree with both patti and annette... finding the right answers takes both courage and time.

One of the ways I help myself find the right answers is by giving myself the "One life" speech. I only get one chance at life, I can't change the past or get back time that's gone by... knowing that, am I making the right decisions for my future?

That usually helps me clarify the root of my issues!

Good luck with these challenges that you're facing!