I feel blue....

My brother once said that he associated people he knew with certain colors. Which I found funny at first becuase he is partially color blind, but then I realized that I too "saw" a certain color when I thought of someone. For example, my friend Stephanie is a soft gray, my friend Tayo is a deep brown, my brother's girlfriend is a sharp yellow, Emilie is a slash of gold, Landon is a sky blue, buyit is a steel gray with sparkling, glistening splashes of green and blue and pink and orange, especially orange. See, you guys are doing it now too. Thinking of people and what color they are.
I don't know what color I am, but I know that my moods have colors. And today I am blue. Deep ocean blue. With turquoise and dark, dark green swirling through it. The blue is my underlying sadness, and the swirling colors are the sense of accomplishment I feel for having just hung the blinds in Landon's room, hung his hook shelf, hung his growth chart, cleaned, put his clothes away, etc. So I'm sad today, but feeling proud of what I've accomplished. But it is easier to say I feel blue, with swirling accents of turquoise and green.
I like the days that I feel green. Bright spring grass green. Or when I feel orange. I'm fun when I'm feeling orange. Purple is not a good day. Red is when I feel dangerously sexy. And pink, soft fuzzy sweater pink....that's how I feel when I hold my sleeping babies.
So how about you guys....what colors are you? What colors are your family and loved ones? What colors are you enemies?

Nope, wasn't about cheese...

This was written the same day as my last post....but I only posted it on my xanga blog. So for those of you who don't read that one, here it is...

Brad called me about an hour ago and asked if I was upset. And I did something rare for me....I told him the truth. I told him that I was furious. That I was angry not only with his dad, but with him. I got it all out....how I feel like he has mistakenly led them to believe that our marriage issues are because of things that I have done or not done, he let them think that the reason we are getting along okay now is because I have changed those "issues", I ripped him a new one for not making any changes in how he relates with me. I told him that I feel invisible to him. I told him that it was a year ago this time that he was involved in an affair and in the past year he has not made any effort to show me that I am cherished, or loved, or special. He has yet to plan a date for us, he has yet to give me any little tokens of his love, he has yet to show me that he wants to continue to be married to me. I let him know that I was angry that his dad think so little of me, that it is his fault they have this opinion of me, and that it is only because of all the effort and time I put into holidays and celebrations that our children will have any of those memories at all. I plan all birthdays, I plan all holidays, I do the gift buying and the celebrating. Me. By myself. And I give him half credit for those things with our children. And I understand that this is what a mom does, but I want his family to know that I do those things. And apparently they don't. I told him how angry I was that he uses me as an excuse with his friends or boss when he doesn't want to do things. I basically unloaded it all. And he, I think, got it. And he said he needed a fire lit up under his ass in order to make those changes. And I told him, "consider that fire lit".
As for his dad. I don't know that I want to put any more effort into that relationship. I really don't want to visit them. I don't mind if Brad does, and I certainly wouldn't say that my children can't go, but I don't see the need for me to put myself into that environment. My brother lives a few hours away. Maybe I can visit with he and his wife while Brad and the kids visit with them. No loss to me. I will continue to send pictures, but I won't be putting extra effort into gift buying or letter writing. Why do I need to convince them that I am a good person? My family and friends know who I am. Shame on them for not seeing it. Not my problem.

Set in stone...

I am so angry right now. And hurt. But mostly angry. Brad called his father. And his father blames me. ME?!?!?!?!?! Brad is "so busy" and I should be picking up the slack. So if Brad doesn't call his father back, it is my fault. Even though I tell Brad at least once a week that he needs to call his father and also call his mother. Even though I'm the one who sends gifts or pictures. Even though I'm the one who says we should visit them.
They have this idea that they know me. The only things they know about me are things that Brad has said. And he said a lot of untrue horrible things about me when he was trying to justify leaving me--even though he wanted a divorce because he was having an affair. So they have this idea that I am a dirty person who doesn't clean, who doesn't help Brad with all of his overwhelming life problems. Brad is "too busy" with his job, but somehow he finds the time to spend hours on the computer researching the teams that will be playing so he can gamble on them. Somehow he's too busy to call his dad, but he manages to go out to the bar with his friends at least once per week if not more. Oh, and I am unclean. Me, who has one of the cleanest houses in the MOPS group. No, I am no OCD, but I am not dirty either. They made a comment to Brad last year that I never help them when I come to visit. Which is total bullshit. Excuse my french. I don't normally cuss, but I am so angry right now. I always offer to help clear the table, or help with the dishes, or help cook, and they always tell me "oh no, you sit and enjoy your time, you are our guest". And apparently I am supposed to ignore that. Well how the hell was I supposed to know that? I was pregnant and thought they meant what they said. And there is now way for me to change their opinion of me. They don't live here. They don't know what a kind, loving, generous person I am. They don't know that I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven my husband over and over again. They don't know that I am the one holding our little family together. They will never see that. And I could just scream. And I am crying about all of this. And I am just so done with them. D-O-N-E. Done.

Oh, and the baby birds died last night. The nest fell out of the tree during the storm and they were lying on the driveway. And I don't understand why I had a little miracle from God and then two days later they are dead. So I'm sad about that too.

Slow down, I'm getting dizzy....

• My sister stopped by last week to show me the cloth diapers she's been making. And they are cute, and certainly soft looking, but imagine my surprise when I realized that I recognized the fabric they were made from. I had lent her my baby stuff, and she had cut up the baby blankets. My heart cried. I took about two days of me whispering, "Let it go, just let it go" before I didn't feel like tearing up again. And even now my stomach clenches just a little. There were quite a bit that I didn't mind that she used, but there were two that were special. You moms out there know what I mean.


• My daughter had her 6th birthday last Friday. I can't believe I have a 6 year old. A child, no longer a baby. I decided not to do a birthday party this year, and we had the best time ever. The entire day was an Emilie day. She got a free meal coupon from a local restaurant, so we went there for breakfast. Then we went to a nearby town and used her $3 (free from their birthday club) gift card at Toys R Us. They gave her a special shopping cart that was decorated, a balloon, and a crown to wear, and she spent about an hour trying to decide how to spend her $5. (Yep, I'm a BIG spender. LOL) She was thrilled to come out of there with a gumball machine and a huge bubble wand, and I was thrilled that she had such fun and I only spent $1.40. We ate lunch at the park and she and Landon played for awhile, and then we headed to the mall. I had two $10 gift cards for Build A Bear, and a $10 off coupon, so she got to pick out a new Build A Bear, and also clothes and shoes for it. And I only spent $15.00. The kids played at the mall, and then I got them a pretzel to share and she also got to stop for an ice cream at the place down the road from us. She declared it "the best day ever". My mommy heart was so happy for her. We did go out to dinner the next night with my family...her favorite place (which, fortunately, happens to be my favorite place also) Jimmy Wan's Tai Pei, and my family met us there. The waitresses sang to her, and she got a free special dessert, and she told the owner's wife who had stopped by to ask if everything was good that it was "the best birthday meal she ever had". As we were leaving, I heard the woman telling her husband what Emilie had said. We came back home and had cake and ice cream, and she opened a few gifts from extended family. She had a lovely time. And I had a day where I honestly and completely enjoyed my children.

• We decided to get the kids a trampoline, and then changed our minds and we got them a swingset instead. A giant one. A wooden one. From Sam's Club. And it comes in 5 different huge boxes and says it will take two skilled people 24 hours to put it together. So yeah, my dad and I will be working on it for quite awhile.....
• Last weekend I picked up a dresser from a friend of mine. She graciously gave us a really nice heavy wooden dresser with a large mirror. Emilie has been needing one since her's kept falling apart, and there was only so much hammering and gluing I could keep doing to it. We took the old one out of her room and stuck it in the front yard with a "free" sign on it. A man came and wanted it, but said he didn't have room for it in his car just then, so he wanted to know if he could take two of the drawers out and then lay it down in the yard and come back for it later. Sure, no problem. Only, he never came back. So now I have a dresser that I can't give away because it has two missing drawers. Ugh. What a waste.
• Two of the neighbor girls came over on Tuesday and started whispering to Emilie. I don't like whispering around me, because I know that nothing good is being whispered about when a mommy can't know what it is. I had them tell me what was up.....apparently they had "found" a nest and it had two baby birds in it. They had carted it from one yard to another, tried to feed it ants, and were attempting to keep them warm by wrapping them in a bandana. Argh. I lectured them all about not touching baby birds, not messing with nests, etc, and then demanded that they bring me the nest and show me where they found it. Well, come to find out, they had knocked it out of the tree in MY YARD. By this time, they had been moving it around and carting it around for about 5 hours, so I figured there was no way these newborn baby birds were going to make it, but I figured I'd try at least. I stuck the nest back in the tree, wedged it in where it was before, and prayed that night that the mommy bird would come back. I had a dream that night that the mommy bird had, and I woke up the next morning, doubtful that it was true, but hopeful. I walked outside and looked up and just grinned from ear to ear. That was beautiful mommy robin, sitting on her nest. I've been watching her now for two days, and she is so lovely. But now I worry about when she pushes them out....I have to check that we don't run over them, I have to keep the cat inside, I have to watch that the dog doesn't get them when he goes outside. I feel like I just had two more children.
• I haven't been watching what I've been eating lately. Ugh. I feel ick. And I've gained back a few pounds. Double ugh.
• Got a nasty email from my stepmother-in-law. She wants me to tell hubby to call his dad so they can wish Emilie a happy birthday. She informs me that father-in-law is upset because we didn't call back after he left a message. If I were a person who cussed, I'd be muttering WTF right about now. Husband's father can be so childish sometimes. The world revolves around him. Nevermind that they called ONCE to wish Emilie a happy birthday, and that it was the day AFTER her birthday. Nevermind that they didn't send a card or a gift for her. And who calls only once and then gets mad about it? And why in the world is this something for me to be telling my husband about. If fil has an issue with husband, shouldn't he be calling him. A little backstory here...FIL left family when my husband was about 2 years old. Left for another woman, who he later married. Husband had an older brother who died when husband was in 8th grade (brother was a freshman in college). FIL turned nasty after that, and wrote husband horrible letters in which he said stuff like "why couldn't you have been a better son like your brother" etc. They didn't communicate at all for about 10 years. I sent him a letter after we got married, introducing myself, telling them what a fine man his son turned out to be, and then exchanged Christmas cards with them for a few years. I told them when daughter was born and I sent pictures, then they FINALLY got in touch with Brad and communication started up again. But that whole ten years of not speaking, and those horrible letters, and the rest....well that has never been addressed. At all. And somehow it all falls on my husband (and more so me) to be the ones to put forth the effort. FIL forgets that father's day isn't just about him....now husband is a father too. Anyway, I could vent for a long time more, but needless to say there is much I want to say when I respond to her email, and I'm not sure I should. Argh. In laws. And that's just half of them......
• May be headed to VA after the 4th of July to spend a week with my parents and kids camping. Sometimes that sounds like fun and sometimes it sounds like a nightmare, so I am undecided right now and whether I will or not. I'd rather they just took both kids and let me get a gazillion house things done around here.

Romance...or...man, I want me a singing Irish man

We had a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) MNO (Mom's Night Out) last night. Wish I had more acronyms, but I'm out of them now. We met up at my dad's mission building and watched a chick flick while eating lots of junk. I'd already seen P.S. I Love You, but I knew most of them hadn't seen it, and since I consider it to be the best romantic love story I've seen in a long, long time, I had to get it again. We all laughed and sniffled our way through it. I highly recommend it. But get some other girls, some tissues, and some chocolate to eat during it.

I had two interesting things happen last week that I wanted to write about (ie, think about some more). The first was something that was my first thought upon waking up one morning last week. I am one of those type of people who wake up with brain going full blast. Means I'm not ever surprised by a phone call, or confused about where I am, but it also means that once awake, I ain't sleepin' again. Anyway, I woke up thinking about my MOPS friend who had surgery a few days earlier to have her thyroid removed. She has thyroid cancer. And it looks like they got it all, but it got me thinking about how many people I know who are going through bring you to your knees health issues. (Keep in mind, this was all going through my head lickety-split) And I thought about what would happen if I were to receive news that I had some life threatening illness. And my very next thought was what is the one thing I would regret. Here's the kicker...I started crying. Crying over the fact that I have never been on a romantic date. For some reason the main thing that I would feel like I missed out on was being romanced. And I felt so silly for crying over that. Hubby asked me what was wrong (obviously, I had just woken up and I was crying, so something must be wrong), and when I told him I just started crying harder. I never knew I had such a need to feel loved like that. What would a romantic date look like to me? Well, it would involve some planning, and lots of thinking about me and what I like. It might look something like this....
A phone call or email telling me to be dressed up and ready at a certain time. Babysitting would already have been arranged. Flowers would be given. (Irises, purple) I'd be driven to a Thai restaurant somewhere in Pittsburgh. There would be candles and talk about anything but what needs to be done in the house, the kids, or the latest baseball scores. We'd leave there and go to a gallery opening, or a museum, or the Botanical Garden.
So yeah, I've never had anything like that. And for some reason that makes me really sad. I think because I feel like I am not loved for who I am. For what I like. For what makes me laugh or makes me passionate. I am not made to feel that I am special.

Second thing that happened....
Was in Boardman this past weekend. Trying to run some errands with both kids and husband. Made it through 3 stores before they crashed. And I thought out loud "man, it would be so nice to do something just the two of us". So I called my parents, right then on the spot, and asked if they would be willing to watch the kids so we could have a date. And they agreed. And then I got off the phone and started hearing all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea to have a date that night (already too late in the day, would have to go all the way home and then back out and that would be too much gas money, would be better if we could actually plan a date first, etc, etc, etc). And I had to excuse myself and go to a bathroom to cry. I couldn't help myself. And I am not a crier. And it isn't "that time of the month". And I realized, yet again, that I really want someone to do something nice for me. To want to be with me. Even if it is not convenient. Even if it is spur of the moment.

Am I nuts, girls? Do I expect too much? I don't want to have romantic dates all the time. I am not saying I need to go on any kind of date every week. I just would like, for once in my life, to be surprised and feel special.

I'm a winner!

Thanks to manic mommy's contest, I am now a winner. I am so excited about this. Which is crazy considering that the books are going to my sister, and aren't even for me. But it is official and has been declared for all the world (or at least the world that reads the web) to see that I Am A Winner. Booyacka.

Summer Vacation

My daughter has officially started her summer vacation. I didn't realize how much I would miss that bright yellow school bus until last night. It was nearing bedtime, by which point I am ready to punch out on the time clock, and I kept thinking that I only had to get through the rest of the evening because tomorrow was a school day. And then it would hit me....no school....not for weeks and weeks and weeks. No relief.

I love my daughter. With every fiber of my being. I would not exchange being her mom for anything in this world or out of this world.

She is a high strung girl though. She was what I called a high stress baby, and she hasn't changed in that respect. She is one of those people who feels everything at a higher level than those around her. If she is happy, she is overjoyed. Sad? Extremely morose. Mad? Watch out world, she can explode like a nuclear bomb. She gets thrilled with the smallest of birthday gifts. She feels pain and expresses it more than anyone I have ever met. She is a bundle of non-stop energy. And she is also type A. To the max. She, at age 2, knew when we were headed in a different direction than we would normally take, and she would tell us that we were going the wrong way. She is extremely literal. If you tell her "in a minute", she expects whatever was promised to be delivered in an actual minute. She wants to know the precise time for everything, and she does not like us to deviate from that time. She is always right. About everything. She defined "in a bit" and "in awhile" with an actual time frame, and she figured out that "in awhile" was longer than "in a bit" (which is actually the opposite of what I would have thought). She drives me nuts quite often....I am a very non-scheduled person. I get there when I get there. I like to stay fairly even-keeled with my emotions, and I am not an in your face kind of person. Needless to say, we clash quite often. And she's only 6 (actually, she'll be six in 11 days).

I worry about her sometimes. About what it will be like living with her when she is 13, and how she'll deal with the emotions that come with dating. But I would not change her personality at all. I love how excited she gets about everything. I know that her punctuality and type-A behavior will serve her well later in life.

However, all of that being said...

I still can't believe it is only day 1 of vacation, and I am already getting a new twitch.

Growing up...

I just realized something. I was doing dishes when this thought flew through my head. And it was so striking that I had to hurry downstairs and write about it.

My parents are never going to rescue me.

And that one simple statement is what I think will be what finally makes me grow up and take responsibility for my own life. Over and over I have shared what I am going through in my marriage with my parents (albeit, it is a condensed and edited version), and so often I have gotten the blank look, or the change of subject. And I didn't realize until just now that I have been waiting for them to rescue me. For them to come and take me out of my situation. For them to make everything better. I didn't realize that I have grown up. I am 30 years old. If I don't like where I'm at, if I don't like my life, if I don't want to continue on in the same direction that I've been heading in for the past 9 years, well, I am the one who is going to have to make the changes. No one, not my parents, not some knight on a white horse in shining armor, not some life-altering event, no one and nothing but me. Wait, me and my God. But I can't just use the excuse that I am waiting for Him to give me a clear answer as to what He would want me to do. He is in me. A part of me. And He goes with me. I can't walk away from Him. He'll never leave me or forsake me. So if I make changes that He doesn't like, He'll certainly let me know. And He'll probably let me suffer my consequences, but He will not desert me. So I don't need to fear that I am doing something against Him. And I don't feel like the changes I need to make are ones that He is opposed to. If I did feel that way, I would not consider them.

I've never broken up with a boy. Never, in my entire life. I've dated guys, but I always took the coward's way out. I sent my friend to break up with my first boyfriend. I treated one so badly that he broke up with me. I called one and told him on the phone. But never once have I looked someone in the face and told them that I did not want to be with them. And this life change is going to take a whole lot of guts that I'm not sure I have.

And that last paragraph scared me so bad that I have sat here for the last 5 minutes, re-reading it. And thinking I shouldn't put it out there. Because what if I can't do it. What if I am too scared and I have to change my mind. And what if....what if....what if....I detest the sniveling me that lives inside. And I know that it will only take one moment of me being honest and telling the hard truth...only one moment, and that sniveling me will be gone. I only have to give the brave me a chance....I'm in there somewhere. Buried, stifled, forgotten. But I am in there. And if I can shut the sniveling me up long enough, the me that I could admire would appear.