Actions speak louder than words...

The older I get the more true I find those silly little sayings to be. "A stitch in time saves nine." "A penny saved is a penny earned." "Actions speak louder than words." I'm learning that last one over and over again these days. I'm one of those people who generally see the good in others. I not only see the glass as half full, but I am thrilled to just see a glass with something in it. I want what is best for others, I long for it more than they do sometimes, and I am always hopeful that others will do the good I see them capable of doing. I find myself often surprised by others behaving meanly, or rudely, or just plain old badly. It doesn't cross my mind to be that way towards others, so I'm caught off guard when it happens. And when someone says something, I try my hardest to believe them. My heart gets hurt often.

I'm trying really hard to believe that my husband does want to work on things. But I'm struggling to cling to that when all I see are evidence of someone who doesn't care, doesn't want to try, or is just plain unable to change. It has been a number of weeks since I said I would only try one more time if we went to counseling. I gave him the counselor's number. I reminded him at least 5 times (although I said I wouldn't remind him....since if he really wanted to do this he would show me that by not needing to be reminded). And he has lost the number. The day I gave it to him he went to the bar with his friend instead. During this time that the kids and I were away he said he would fix the bathroom wall (I didn't ask him to, he brought it up on his own). I came home to see that not only did he not fix the wall, he didn't do anything. Not even his own laundry. And on top of it, he is doing the one thing I have begged him not to. The one thing I have given him ultimatums over. The one thing that I specifically and repeatedly told him not to do. In fact, the only thing that I have flat out told him no on. He is gambling again. And it hurts so much. He does not hear me. And although he says he loves me... although he says he wants to work on things... although he talks a good game...everything he does screams otherwise. And I am going to have to make my actions match my words now too......

I'm ba-ack....

I'll update on trip shortly....but for now I will just say that it was a hard trip.

I lost 2 lbs. this past week. Not bad considering most of the week was spent on the road. And several meals were at someone else's house where I had no control over menu. Oh, and I also didn't work out while traveling. So yeah, I'll take my 2 lbs. I think I was the biggest loser of the week among my competitors too. :)

Struggling today. Foggy brain. Tired. And sad.

See ya'll later

In one hour I will be getting into my van with my kids and half of my family. Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall for that one?!? As for me....I'd rather be a smooshed bug on the windshield. Oh yeah, it will be THAT fun....................

Hey Manchester buddy, thanks for the hallooo this morning. :)

See you all next week.

Over and Out...

Blah blah blah

• Lost 4 lbs during week one of the MOPS Biggest Loser. All together the team lost 28 lbs. I wasn't the biggest loser, but I wasn't the worst either. Right in the middle. Where I have no intention of staying!!!
• I spent hours today working on downloading a trial version of Word so I could write up some spanish translation documents for the mission trip that I DON'T get to go on. Got it done, and sent it off to the team leader through email. Phew. I was starting to worry that it was one of those commitments that I tend to make and then realize that I can't do.
• I had to cancel my counseling session for today. No babysitter. And no time. It is going to be a crazy evening of packing and loose string wrapping up.
• I have a friend traveling to Europe today. Bon voyage! Have a safe and wonderful trip. Wish I was going. :)
• I am dreading, big time, this trip tomorrow. My parents, my sister, my sister's boyfriend, my kids and I....all crammed in my van...and my parents are fighting today. And my sister is pregnant and will have to pee constantly. And my youngest hasn't ever been in the car that long. And we all love each other but get on each other's nerves.
• Didn't walk today. Feel icky because of it.

Walking thoughts...

I am never going to just magically wake up skinny, so this is going to take hard work. For which I am prepared and willing and ready to do and have been doing. The whole idea that I have to make the changes that I want to see in my life...yeah, it only took me 30 years to get to that one. I'm a little slow.

I am so thankful that as badly as I have abused my body that God has kept me healthy. I have been extremely overweight for a good 8 years now, and I haven't suffered from diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other weight related illness. I have also had two very healthy pregnancies. So I am just so thankful that my body has been kind to me, even though I have not been kind to it.

Smithers (the huge hill that is smack dab in the middle of my walking loop....short for Smithereens, because that is what I would like to crush him to) and I made a deal today. He won't kill me, and I promise to get off of him as quickly as I can. And I added a new loop to my walk today. It was a road I'd not been on, and imagine my surprise to encounter Smitherish and Smitherette on that route. Oh joy...more hills. My calves are going to be so sexy by this time next summer!

My brain/body are enjoying this challenge. As I walk, I hear a little mantra singing in my head. "I'll be running this in no time, running this in no time, running this in no time." I've never been like this in my life. I am so ready to take on the idea of training for a marathon (albeit, a mini one), and bike, and hike, and canoe, and white-water raft. I was a tomboy as a kid, and boy do I feel all of that coming back again.

I can already feel muscle under my fat. And I see a bit of definition in my calf muscles too. I can't WAIT to see what my body will look like once all this fat is gone.

I'd be scared of me. Because I have that kind of determination that will kill you if you mess with me. I'm one badass momma. With a heart of gold. I'd be my friend.

Freakin' Proud

I am so freakin' proud of myself. I took Henry to the groomer's, and I had 40 minutes to kill. Forty minutes in which I could have gone to a coffee shop, browsed through a store, checked out new books at the library, sat in my car and read....but no, what I did was switch out my flip-flops for a pair of tennis shoes (a la Mr. Rogers...) and headed over to the nearest park. I plopped Landon in his stroller and did two quick loops around the walking trail. Pushing the stroller up and down the hills (and through the dirt/gravel walkway) slowed me down about a minute per mile, but it still felt good to do a quick 2 miles.

Yesterday I mowed the front yard. I haven't pushed a mower in years. In my 30 years of living on this planet, I have mowed the grass exactly twice before yesterday. There is a small hill on the side of our house in the front, and it was a good arm workout to push that thing down and haul it back up, over and over again. And because I am such a nice girl, I did my neighbor's strip of yard too. The hard part. The part on the hill that leads up to the mailbox. I was only slightly slower than Brad at mowing it, so that felt good to know. One of these days I'll do the back too, but for now I let him do that! :) We own almost an acre.....and I am NOT ready to push mow all of that.

The kids and I headed out to Moraine Lake yesterday. I packed some healthy snacks and several pb&j sandwiches, and we played out there by the water for a few hours. My parents came with us, and my sister and her "baby daddy" met us there. It was fun to throw a football around, watch the kids enjoy the playground, and take in some nature.

I'm thinking of getting a part-time job. I need some of my own money. And with gas going up, up, up, our budget gets tighter, tighter, tighter. If I ever want Starbucks again, then I need some money coming in! :)

God is still telling me to wait on Him. I can feel my heart softening. I know He is going to have all of the glory at the end of this time in my life. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for me....I know it is going to be so much better than anything I could ever have hoped for. Cuz that is how my God rolls.

Family pride...

There is a strong personality trait that runs through my family tree. It comes down through my dad's side of the family, and we jokingly call it the "R_____ Pride". On the good side of things, it gives us great external confidence when facing a challenge or new situation. We look like we have it together, we hide our nerves, we converse and laugh and make the kind of responses that leads people to believe that we are natural born leaders, or that we can take on any task laid in front of us. We come across as very capable people. However, internally it wrecks havoc on our thought processes. We have this underlying belief that we will be the best at whatever it is we are attempting to do. We just naturally assume that our way is the right way. (And, quite often, it is.) We are a group of people who are good at just about anything (not particularly great at any ONE thing, but good at a lot of stuff). Here's the biggest downfall to this way of thinking though...when we encounter something that we KNOW we will not be the best at, we tend to shy away from doing it. When it becomes apparent that we will not be numero uno, we stop whatever it is we were doing, back away, and turn in another direction. This hit me square in the face today....I got an email from two of the girls in my MOPS BL group. They both said that they had already lost 4 and 5 lbs this week. And I immediately felt defeated. I just assumed that I would lose the most weight, that I had this competition nailed already. And it made me feel like a failure. I grumped at my husband, I growled at my kids, I slumped around the house, and I ate a few things I should not have eaten....all as a result of this stupid R_______ Pride. It didn't hit me until a few minutes ago that this competition, this attempt to, once again, lose weight isn't a means of being better than someone else at something. The whole purpose of this isn't for me to say "hey, guys, I won, I beat you all", the purpose of it is for me to get healthy and lose weight. So I need to rearrange my thinking on this one. I need to not get down any time I read that so-and-so walked 4 miles, or so-and-so did an hour on the treadmill. I need to celebrate their loses, but not feel defeated if mine aren't as good. I need to learn to celebrate MY wins. This morning I was "beating" myself up because I cut my walk short by 10 minutes. I was upset with myself for shortening it, when I should have been proud of myself for getting up, once again, at 6 in the morning and walking my loop. The loop that takes me up and over Smithers (I have named my hill Smithers....for Smithereens....because I would like to crush him to smithereens for being so dang steep and loooooooong) several times. And I should have been thrilled with the shoutout God gave me today. I was headed up Smithers for the first time, huffing and puffing and internally bemoaning the fact that I had to do this, when a deer appeared in the yard of the house ahead of me. Only about 25 yards away (football yards, not house yards). It stopped and watched me get closer and closer, then turned around and ran. I was just thanking God for this little hello when it suddenly ran back through the yard and crossed the road not even 5 yards in front of me!!! I laughed out loud...and then wondered if it was rabid. :)